Buddy Comedy
by Christine M. Greenleaf
Summary: I've been wanting to write this since "Arkham Knight," because that's basically what the game was to me! XD When Lex Luthor threatens innocents and goes into deep hiding, Batman is asked by the Justice League to team up with the Joker, the only other person who knows where Luthor is. Batman is forced to develop a friendship with his arch-nemesis, with amusing results.
1. Chapter 1

**Buddy Comedy**

Batman entered the conference room in the Watchtower, where the rest of the Justice League were already gathered. "Sorry I'm late," he muttered. "That anti-gravity adjustment takes a while for people who aren't from space."

"Not a problem, Bruce," said Superman, not noticing the resentment in Batman's voice, and maintaining his usual cheerful, friendly demeanor. "We're glad you're here now, and we can get started. As you know, we've been monitoring Lex Luthor's activities for a while now, and we've concluded that he's planning something big and dangerous. But we've just hit a snag – Luthor has disappeared. We don't know if this is voluntary in order not to be monitored by us, or if he's being held somewhere against his will. Either way, we need to find him."

"Did you really need to call all of us here for that?" asked Batman. "Why don't you just fly around the earth using your x-ray vision? It'll only take you a few seconds."

"I've done that, Bruce," replied Superman. "Wherever Luthor is, it's someplace that I can't see, probably lead-lined. Luthor's made sure most of his properties are, in order to block my x-ray vision, which is why I think he's hiding himself away on purpose, waiting to make his final masterstroke, either against us, or innocent people. If we knew it was against us, I'd wait and see what his next move is. But we can't risk him doing something to hurt innocent people without at least trying to get the jump on him and putting a stop to it."

"So you're sending us all to different corners of the earth to search for him the old-fashioned way?" asked the Flash. "Because I challenge all of you to a race. Except you, Superman."

"I'm not doing that," said Superman, shaking his head. "It's impractical to search the whole world like that. But we can narrow down the search – we know that Luthor has been in communication with the Joker recently. They could be planning whatever this is together, but even if they're not, Luthor might have told Joker where he's planning on going. And this is why I wanted to wait until you were here, Bruce," he said, looking at Batman.

"You want me to beat the info outta him?" asked Batman, cracking his knuckles. "My pleasure."

"I wish it were that simple," said Superman. "You of all people know that violence doesn't work against the Joker – it doesn't make him talk, and it just encourages him. And there's no way he'd betray a fellow supervillain to one of us. But there is someone here who he respects, and thinks of as his friend. Someone he likes much more than Luthor, and would be willing to help out, if asked nicely."

Batman stared at him. "You want me to…ask Joker nicely for the info?" he asked, slowly.

"I want you to work with the Joker to find Luthor," said Superman. "And if that means asking him nicely for info, so be it. I want you to use your people skills, and your powers of charm and persuasion, to get him to help us."

"I'm not seducing the Joker!" roared Batman.

"Woah, where did that come from?" asked Superman, puzzled. "Of course I didn't mean that! He's got a girlfriend, doesn't he?"

"Oh, he'd enjoy it anyway," muttered Batman.

"Isn't there a happy medium between beating the crap outta someone and seducing someone?" asked Superman.

"Bruce Wayne wouldn't know!" chuckled Flash. "He only ever does one or the other! Ow!" he exclaimed, as Batman punched him.

"Diana, help me out here," said Superman, turning to Wonder Woman.

"I think Superman is advocating you using kindness and compassion, treating the Joker as a friend and equal," said Wonder Woman. "Showing that you're willing to work with him in this matter, despite your moral and philosophical differences. If more people did this on a larger scale, this world could be a better place."

"But I'm not willing to work with him," protested Batman. "And I don't think of him as a friend and equal. He's a mass murdering psychopath. You can't treat someone like that nicely, or compromise with them."

"Not even to stop another mass murdering psychopath?" asked Superman. "Bruce, innocent lives are at risk, and violence is not going to work. What else can we do?"

"We can…pay off one of his henchmen, or a fellow rogue," said Batman. "Get them to get the info outta him, and then beat them until they tell us."

"Too risky – what if they can't do it, or have a change of heart?" asked Superman. "It has to be someone we can trust, Bruce. Someone we can depend on to do it, and not have a change of heart. Someone resolute, and dependable, and heroic."

"So you do it!" snapped Batman.

"Joker loathes me," retorted Superman. "He'd never talk to me under any circumstances. He thinks I'm a goody two-shoes boy scout – he's told me as much personally. But you…well, he thinks you're just one small step away from being as crazy as he is. He thinks you're his best buddy, someone he admires and respects, and someone he wants to be friends with, if you could just come round to his point of view. Of course you never will, but he holds out hope because he's crazy. If you could fulfill that hope, if you could actually try to be his friend, he'd betray Luthor in a second for you."

Batman looked around at all their serious faces. "Have you all suddenly lost your minds?" he demanded. "Is it April 1st? Is this some big April Fool's joke you've all thought up for me? I hope it's not, because Joker always causes trouble on April Fool's Day, and I can't be wasting time up in space if it is…"

"Bruce, it's the only viable option for stopping Luthor," said Superman. "Unless you have a better idea? Because we don't."

"Flash could search the entire world in a couple days…" began Batman.

"It might be too late by then," said Wonder Woman, gently. "Bruce, I know this isn't comfortable for you. I know diplomacy and cooperation isn't your usual go-to method. But wouldn't you do anything to save innocent lives, even if it means stepping way outside your comfort zone? Even if it means making friends with the Joker?"

Batman glared at her. "I'm not killing anyone," he muttered. "Except maybe him, if he really pushes me. In which case, I don't see myself as having broken my no-killing rule so much as being driven to it by you people. It'll be on your head."

"I can live with that," said Superman. "But I know you won't, Bruce. You're a good man."

"And you expect me to work with the worst man in the world," muttered Batman. "A man who laughs in the face of basic decency and humanity. A narcissistic, self-obsessed, murdering clown, who thinks violence and pain is one big joke, and who has repeatedly hurt and killed those close to me. You expect me to smile and try to relate to him, all in the very slim hope that he'll buy the act and betray another supervillain because we're friends."

"That's the general idea, yes," said Superman, nodding.

"When you think about it, Bruce, it could be the most heroic thing you've ever done," said Wonder Woman. "It's a completely unselfish act of heroism for the benefit of innocent people, which will inevitably result in your own personal suffering. It's altruism in its purest form, because it's hugely unpleasant for you, and you'd literally rather do anything else. Isn't that something only a true hero would do?"

"A true hero, or an idiot," agreed Batman, heading to the door with a heavy sigh. "At the moment, I'm honestly not sure which one I am."

The door shut behind him, and Flash spoke up, "Fifty bucks says he snaps within twenty-four hours."

No one took the bet.


	2. Chapter 2

"This was a great idea of yours, puddin'," commented Harley Quinn, as the Joker cut the bolt off the lock on the factory gates. "I bet this place is just filled with cash."

"It ain't the cash I'm after," said Joker, as he pushed open the gates. "It's the ice cream. The Pagliacci Popsicle Company has been doing business in this town as long as I can remember, so at least as long as I've been the Joker. And now they've suddenly been shut down, something about health regulations. That's the government for you – always sticking their nose in where it doesn't belong. Anyway, if they expect me to just change ice cream brands, they don't know the Joker, and his loyalty towards the things he loves."

"Like me, puddin'," purred Harley, draping her arms around his neck and kissing his cheek.

"Yes, pooh, and if the government ever shut you down, I'd be obliged to break into you and plunder your remains too," said Joker, patting her on the head.

"I guess that's…sweet?" said Harley, slowly. "Anyway, where are we gonna stash all this stuff?" she asked, as Joker pushed open the door to reveal a frozen warehouse full of tubs of ice cream.

"We'll get Freeze to freeze one of our warehouses," said Joker.

"How are we gonna do that?" asked Harley.

"I dunno – threaten to defrost his wife or something," said Joker, shrugging. "Isn't that how you get Freeze to do anything? But we'll leave the stash here until we can do that – I'll need to get the guys to monitor this place to make sure people don't try to get rid of it. In the meantime, it's our own personal ice cream parlor," he said, reaching for a tub. "Do you want rocky road or cookie dough?"

"Cookie dough," said Harley.

"Too bad – I'm having cookie dough," he said, handing her the rocky road.

"Isn't there more than one?" asked Harley.

"Yeah, but not handy," he retorted. "I ain't gonna freeze my ass off looking through 'em just because you're being picky."

"So what kinda health violation was this shut down for anyway?" asked Harley.

"How should I know?" he retorted, taking off the lid and licking the ice cream straight from the tub.

"Just…y'know…if there's any truth to it, we might get sick from eating the ice cream," said Harley, slowly.

"Harley, I'm surprised at you," he said, frowning. "You of all people should know how important it is to throw caution and personal safety to the winds when it's a question of loyalty! Why else would you keep coming back to me? Besides, as you well know, I'm already sick," he chuckled, licking the ice cream again and then licking her cheek.

"Oooh, puddin'!" giggled Harley, as she ripped the top off her tub and began licking him back. "We've never had hanky panky with ice cream before! What could possibly go wrong?"

"That," said Joker, looking out the window suddenly to see a dark shape descending on them. "That could go wrong."

Harley growled in annoyance. "Why does he always show up just when we're getting in the mood?" she muttered, preparing to throw her ice cream tub at Batman's head.

"Woah there, Bats!" chuckled Joker, raising his own. "Chill out! There's no need to be so frosty! We're not even really doing anything wrong – they're only gonna dispose of this ice cream anyway!"

"For once, Joker, you're right," said Batman, stepping from the shadows into the light. "You're not doing anything wrong, and I didn't come here to stop you."

"Oh," said Joker, slowly lowering the ice cream tub in confusion. "So…what did you come here for?"

"I came here to…" Batman took a deep breath, and forced the best smile he could manage. "Share in the ice cream…buddy," he finished.

Joker and Harley just stared at him, incredulous. "What?" stammered Joker at last.

"I said, I came here to share in the ice cream…buddy," choked out Batman again.

Joker and Harley shared a look. "Harley, pinch me," Joker ordered. She obeyed, and Joker shook his head. "Nope, that didn't do it. Bats, punch me," he said, turning to Batman.

Batman obliged, hitting Joker full in the face. "Ok, it's no dream!" said Joker, cupping his nose. "Is it mind control? Some kinda robot clone? Alien shapeshifter? What are you?" he demanded, raising the ice cream tub again.

"Joker, it's me," said Batman. "The real me. I'm not a…ow!" he exclaimed, as Joker hit him in the head with the ice cream tub.

"Ok, he's not a robot, since he's bleeding," said Joker. "Of course that could always be some kinda robot trick with fake blood…is HARDAC back? He made a Batman robot clone before…"

"I'm not a robot clone!" shouted Batman, clutching his head.

"You didn't think so last time HARDAC made you either, but you were…" began Joker.

"Joker, it's not HARDAC!" snapped Batman.

"What is it, then?" demanded Joker. "It's a joke, that's for sure, and I know Batman doesn't do jokes, so you can't be the real Batman!"

"I am the real Batman!" snapped Batman. "I just…I've had a change of heart. I've realized…you were right. What I do, night after night, beating up criminals and sending them to prisons they're only going to escape from…it's crazy. I'm a man in a Halloween costume taking the law into my own hands, trying to uphold the law by breaking it. That's insane. The whole world is insane, a madhouse, and rather than fighting that, I'm going to embrace it. I'm going to greet each day with a smile, and laugh at the pain and suffering of others, because that's all you can do since there's no point in fighting it. You just need to sit back, smile, and enjoy the ride."

Joker stared at him. And then Batman saw something he had never seen before – tears gathered in the Joker's eyes. "I always knew…one day…this would happen!" he sobbed, seizing Batman in a bone-crushing embrace. "I always knew one day you'd get the joke, and see the funny side! We're the same, you and me, and I always knew one day you'd see that! We shouldn't be enemies – we should be enjoying the crazy funhouse ride together! Oh Bats, I never thought…this is too good to be true!" he sobbed.

"Yeah, it is," said Harley, studying Batman suspiciously. "I don't buy it, Mr. J. What are you really after, Bats?"

"All I'm after is spending some quality time with a guy who's always been there for me, and never stopped believing in me seeing the light," said Batman. "My best friend in the whole world – the Joker."

"Oh, Batsy!" sobbed Joker, hugging him again. "I always dreamed that someday you'd say those words to me!"

"Maybe this _is_ some kinda dream," said Harley, nodding. "Remember Tetchy's dream world device? This could be a result of that."

"Yeah, but you're here too, and you wouldn't be in my dream," said Joker.

"What's that supposed to mean?" demanded Harley.

"Not that I wouldn't want you to be there, pooh," added Joker, hastily. "It's just if I were in a dream world, it would only affect me, and you would be part of the dream world too, and would be acting like there's nothing unusual about this. But the fact that you're suspicious and mistrusting means this isn't a dream world, since you're here too, and just as pleasantly surprised as I am!"

"Yeah. Pleasantly surprised," growled Harley, folding her arms across her chest and glaring at Batman.

The Joker's phone rang suddenly. "Just a second, buddy, lemme get this," he said, answering it. "Hello?"

"Joker, where are you?" demanded Lex Luthor. "You were meant to be here by now!"

"For your information, Lexy, I'm at an ice cream factory," snapped Joker.

"Is it the one they shut down because of that health scare?" asked Luthor.

"That's the one!" said Joker, cheerfully. "And I don't have time for you right now. Something absolutely wonderful has happened, and my priorities have suddenly shifted!"

"What are you talking about?" demanded Luthor. "You can't just bail on me like this! I've spent months setting this scheme up, and you're dropping out at the last minute?!"

"Schemes aren't important in the grand scheme of things, Lex, not after what's happened!" exclaimed Joker. "Besides, I don't need to cause trouble anymore now that my greatest wish has been realized! Everything I did was for Bats and now…now…I'm sorry, it's still too emotional!" he gasped.

"Are you…crying?" asked Luthor, slowly.

"No," said Joker, wiping his eyes hastily. "But I gotta go, Lex – see you around…"

"Wait, wait, wait," said Batman, grabbing Joker's phone before he could hang up. "There's no need to cancel things with Lex on my account. In fact…wouldn't it be a great start to our friendship to show me how you plan these great schemes with him? I need to learn from the best if I'm gonna plan schemes of my own, after all. We should do this thing with Lex, and then plan our own thing against the Justice League or something."

"You…want to plan…a scheme…with me…against the…" Joker choked up again. "I always knew you'd see those superfreaks for the losers they are one day! You and me, against those super-powered do-gooders…they won't stand a chance!"

"Yeah," agreed Batman. "But after this thing with Lex, right? After all, you can't disappoint a willing audience, can you?"

Joker smiled. "You know me so well, Bats," he chuckled. "Hello, Lex?" he said, speaking into the phone again. "I'll be there - just got a few things to pick up first. And I'll be bringing a surprise."

"It won't be a tub of salmonella infected ice cream from that factory, will it?" asked Luthor.

"Well, not anymore it won't, you ingrate!" snapped Joker. He hung up the phone, and then beamed at Batman. "Not even Lexy being an ungrateful jerk can dampen my spirits right now, Bats! I don't think I'll ever be unhappy again with you by my side, partners in crime, a real dynamic duo of devil-may-care diabolicalness!"

"Yeah, sounds great," said Batman, hoping his smile didn't look too forced. "So…why don't we go meet Lex right away, so we can get whatever you're planning out of the way and go on to other, more fun projects with just the two of us?"

"Just the two of us," repeated Joker, sighing. "I always dreamed of you saying that, but I never imagined it would sound as sweet as it actually does."

"Three of us," reminded Harley. "I'm still here, remember?"

"Oh…yeah. Yeah, three of us," said Joker, nodding. "But, y'know, pooh, you might wanna sit out the next scheme, and let it just be Batsy and me having some real male bonding time. Three's a crowd, y'know, which is why we need to get this thing with Lexy over with. Just got a few errands to run first, like I said. Coming, Batsy?" he asked, smiling at him.

"Of course…buddy," choked out Batman again. "Right behind you!"

Harley followed behind both of them, looking from Joker babbling excitedly at Batman to Batman's forced and indulgent smile. Harley knew something was fishy about this situation – a woman who hated fish as much as she did was well attuned to these things. She didn't know what Batsy's game was yet, but she knew it was a game, unlike Mr. J, who seemed to have fallen for it hook, line, and sinker. Harley supposed she should have been surprised that the Joker would be so trusting of such an obvious setup, but then she knew that Batman being his buddy was a dream come true for him. And as a former psychiatrist, she knew if someone wanted to be fooled by believing something impossible to be true, they would be. It was a sad day when Harley had to be the sensible one in any situation, but she knew she was here. And she knew whatever Batman's intention, he was setting up her puddin' for a fall. She didn't want to see him get his heart broken, which she knew he would. But she also knew Joker wouldn't listen to her accusations against Batman without proof.

"Guess it's my turn to be the World's Greatest Detective today," she muttered. "God help us all."


	3. Chapter 3

"Where are we going?" asked Batman, looking out the window of the Jokermobile as Joker drove.

"We're picking up a few things Lex needs for this scheme of his," said Joker. "They're time sensitive, so he couldn't do that before he went into hiding, so he got me to do it."

"Why you?" asked Batman. "You're not exactly dependable."

"Hey, I'm plenty dependable, as you well know!" snapped Joker. "Have I ever not showed up for a rumble with you? Haven't I spent all my time thinking up ingenious schemes for you to foil? Don't you depend on me for those?"

"I stand corrected," said Batman. "It's just…I know you like to prank Lex, and so does he. Why would he depend on you to help him when it's more than likely you're just setting him up for a punchline?"

"Because he doesn't have a choice," replied Joker. "He's desperate. The last time your old alien pal Superjerk decided to take the law into his own hands, he destroyed a lotta public property, and I mean a lot. Lexy's responsible for most of the infrastructure in Metropolis, so while your buddy in blue was getting all the accolades for saving the city from whatever cat was stuck up a tree, Lex was being harped at from all and sunder to clean up the super-mess Superman made. It basically bankrupted him. He needed a lotta cash and fast. Fortunately he knew one person who had that kinda cash on hand."

"You?" guessed Batman.

Joker burst out laughing. "Me? God no, don't you know me at all? I burn through money faster than that fire I set in the lumber district! You remember that one – I called it 'If a Tree Burns in a Factory and Nobody's Around to Hear It, Do the Hostages Still Scream?'"

"Kinda long winded," commented Harley from the backseat.

"It's a working title!" snapped Joker. "Anyway, no, I never have money, certainly not enough to rebuild vast sections of a city. Plus I'm against that on principle, since I work so hard to constantly destroy vast sections of a city. The only person who puts away that kinda cash on a regular basis is your pussy friend."

Batman stared at him. "Catwoman?" he repeated. "Luthor contacted…Catwoman?"

"No, Lexy's never met the kitty – he mistrusts her based on her fondness for you," said Joker. "Probably the same reason he mistrusts me, actually. Well, that and the fact that I actively try to sabotage a lot of his plans for fun. So anyway, Lexy needed an introduction to Selina, and he thought asking her friends would be the best way to get him on her good side. So he asked Harley to set up a meeting."

"Why didn't he ask Ivy?" asked Batman.

"You know Ivy and Lex used to date, right?" asked Joker. "Ivy wouldn't help him if he was the last man on earth - especially not then, in fact. It's a thing she has about guys she's dated. I think she blames them for not being compassionate enough to put up with her completely neurotic personality, or for not being planty enough, or something. And since your pussy paramour is so anti-social, she only has Ivy and Harley as friends. So Lexy went for the one he thought would help, with clear instructions to not tell me under any circumstances. So naturally Harley did, and naturally I rubbed it in Lexy's face, promising to leak to the press that his dirty money was coming from a common cat burglar unless he let me in on this deal."

"And what deal is that?" asked Batman.

"Well, Selina's price for her help was this big animal preserve for wild cats," said Joker. "The Metropolis Sanctuary for Big Cats, on the outskirts of the city – Lexy was gonna build another strip mall on the land, but he's had to change his plans. He's been working overtime to get this sanctuary finished in time for the big opening day. And on that big opening day, I've got a little joke planned. I'm not an animal hater, Batsy, but even I can see that it's a foolish use of time and money to waste perfectly good land on dumb creatures when you could be selling fun products for humans to enjoy. So the sanctuary is gonna suffer a little accident, and Lexy is gonna deny all involvement and blame me. He's already got his money from Selina, and now he gets his land back too, I get my fun, and kitty gets nothing but another reason to hate me, which she can add to her already massive list. Everybody wins!"

"So…what kinda joke are you planning?" asked Batman, slowly.

Joker giggled. "That would be telling, Batsy! I don't wanna spoil the surprise! But you'll see, and I guarantee it'll make you smile! And I can finally say that sincerely, since you finally are smiling! Aw, buddy, it's just so good to see!" he exclaimed, leaning over to hug him again.

"Driving, driving, driving!" reminded Batman, pointing desperately at the road, and at the other cars Joker was about to crash into. Fortunately, Joker regained control of the vehicle before that could happen. As Batman felt his blood pressure calming, he also felt a twinge of annoyance – if he had known Selina was helping Luthor, he could have just talked to her face to face, rather than go through this elaborate deception with the Joker. But then he supposed she didn't know what Joker and Luthor were planning together any more than he did. An added bonus of all this would be brownie points with Selina when he ended up foiling their plan and saving her animals. Although not even that seemed worth spending much more time with the Joker – it was getting hard resisting the urge to punch him repeatedly in the face.

"So…where are we going?" repeated Batman.

"To see the nerds first," replied Joker.

"By nerds do you mean Crane and Tetch?" asked Batman. "What do they have to do with any of this?"

"You'll find out the same time as everyone else," replied Joker. "I'm not spoiling the surprise, no matter how much you beg."

"Aw, c'mon…buddy," said Batman, forcing out the word again. "What's a secret plan between friends?"

"Nope, not even if you call me buddy and friend," said Joker. "Although I do love hearing it. It'll be so much more satisfying to see the look on your face now that I know you're really going to love this surprise. I mean, it was always satisfying before, of course, but now that you really get the joke, and see the whole thing as a game, like I do…trust me, the surprise will be a lot more fun if it's kept a surprise."

Batman sighed – he had really hoped he could get this whole thing over and done with quickly. But now he had to spend even more time as Joker's friend, which was honestly probably the most challenging thing he'd ever done. And that included all his training as Batman.

The Joker pulled the car up in front of an apartment building – Batman reflected that the upside to all this was finding out the location of his enemies's current whereabouts. "Do you want me to stay here?" he asked. "It might be a little shocking for them to see me."

"No, no, no, they have to see you!" exclaimed Joker. "They have to see I was right about you all along! They thought they were so smart and superior, assuming they knew you better than me, but they were wrong, and they're gonna see how wrong they were. Come on," he said, heading into the building.

Batman reluctantly followed, and Harley trailed behind them both, still glaring at Batman. Joker knocked on the door to one of the rooms, and it was opened a moment later by Jonathan Crane.

"Joker, what an unpleasant…" he began, but then his eyes widened when he saw Batman standing next to him.

"Hi, Johnny, you remember my pal Batsy?" asked Joker, draping an arm over Batman. "We were in the neighborhood and thought we'd check in. You know, it's a good day to stop flossing."

Batman assumed this was a non sequitur, but Crane's eyes suddenly lit up and he nodded slowly. "Of course…it _is_ a good day to stop flossing," he agreed. "Jervis!" he called, heading back inside. "Joker needs the present!"

"Thank goodness!" sighed Jervis Tetch, racing to the door with a gift wrapped box in his hands. "You know I'm not comfortable keeping things like this in my home – I don't want it accidentally going off and disturbing my animals."

"Well, it's outta your hair now, isn't it?" snapped Joker, taking the box from him. "See you losers around, the next time with my Batty sidekick dressed in something more suitable – whaddya think, Bats?" he asked, turning to him. "That black combo is so depressing – maybe paint the suit purple, with a big smile over your bat emblem."

"Wait, why am I the sidekick?" asked Batman.

"Because you don't know the ropes of being a criminal comedian yet, Batsy – you gotta learn those first before you can take charge," said Joker. "Of course I'll happily teach you, but while you're learning, you gotta be my Robin figure. I promise not to treat you like I treat your Robins though!" he chuckled. "No crowbars to the face or anything like that! I would never treat my own sidekick so appallingly!"

"You once pushed me outta a window twenty storeys up and broke most of my bones just because I tried to kill Batman," spoke up Harley.

"Well…yeah, but he's not gonna be trying to kill himself, is he, Harley?" demanded Joker, rounding on her.

"So if he's your sidekick now, what does that make me?" demanded Harley. "Chopped liver?"

"It makes you…Daddy's special girl, pumpkin pie!" exclaimed Joker, planting a kiss on her cheek. "Now be a lamb and take this to the car," he said, handing her the box. "Remember to buckle it into the backseat so it doesn't knock around. Bats and I will meet you there, but now that we're buddies, I wanna borrow his little Bat-glider thing to fly down from the roof. Last one there's a superhero!" he shouted, racing up the stairs. Batman sighed and reluctantly followed him.

Harley sighed too, turning to head down the stairs. "Psst, Harley!" hissed a voice. She turned to see Crane with his head popped out of the door, staring after Joker and Batman. "What on earth is going on?" he asked her.

"Your guess is as good as mine, Johnny," sighed Harley. "Batsy just showed up and said he had a change of heart and wanted to be Mr. J's friend."

"In heaven's name, why?" asked Crane.

"I don't know," said Harley, glaring after them. "But I am going to find out."


	4. Chapter 4

"So, Batman," said Harley, clearing her throat when they were all back in the Jokermobile and driving again. "Can you tell me the reason for this change of heart on your part?"

"Reason?" repeated Batman.

"Well, yeah," said Harley, shrugging. "You gotta admit, it's basically a 180 degree personality shift, and those don't tend to happen out of the blue. As a former psychiatrist, I can attest that they do happen, but usually because of some huge epiphany or trauma. What happened that made you start to see the world Mr. J's way?"

"Oh yeah...reason," said Batman, slowly, wishing he had thought up a reason before now. "Well…the reason is…uh…well…it's kinda hard to explain…"

"Try me – I'm a shrink," retorted Harley.

"Well…what was your reason for going from shrink to Joker's sidekick?" asked Batman.

"I fell in love with him," she retorted.

"Oh…that's definitely not my reason," said Batman, hastily. "My reason was…uh…well…I was…chasing down a criminal and…uh…it just hit me."

"The criminal?" asked Harley.

"No, the…truth," said Batman, slowly. "I just had a moment of clarity, of seeing myself from outside myself and realizing how stupid everything I was doing was. I mean, me, a guy in a bat costume, hunting down criminals, taking the law into my own hands…that's not a sane thing to do. What makes me any different from the criminals I hunt down? How can I pretend to be a hero when I use violence and intimidation to punish others, the same way they do? What Joker had been saying over the years…it just suddenly made a whole lotta sense."

"See? When I start to make sense, that's how you know you're crazy!" chuckled Joker. "Gloriously insane, with only the clarity and insight that madness brings!"

"So if Mr. J was gonna, say, kill someone, that wouldn't bother you at all anymore, huh?" asked Harley, lightly. "You've got over that whole no killing thing?"

"That's right," said Batman, nodding. "That was a stupid hangup of mine. I mean, everyone dies eventually, right? Trying to prevent the inevitable is just one big joke, so why not beat death to the punchline?"

"My thoughts exactly, buddy," said Joker, nodding. "You see, Harley, he gets it."

"If he really gets it, he won't mind me doing a little experiment," said Harley. "Pull the car over, Mr. J."

"But baby, we're running late as it is…" said Joker, glancing at his watch.

"You'll get to hurt someone," said Harley.

Joker sighed. "Well, I do like hurting people," he said, pulling the car over.

They all three got out of the car, and Harley pointed at a randomer. "Go shoot him, Mr. J."

"Why?" asked Joker.

"To see if Batsy stops you," said Harley. "If he does, this is all some kinda Bat-trick. If he doesn't, I'll believe he truly has seen the light. But the Batman I know would never let an innocent person die, even for an act. If he can let that happen now, it's no act."

Joker shrugged, raising his gun and aiming. "Hang on a second, buddy," said Batman, pushing the gun down. "Where's the joke here?"

Joker nodded. "He's right, Harley – there's no joke in just shooting a randomer on the street," he said, turning to her. "You should only kill people when it's funny. I just can't see the punchline to this."

"The punchline is Batman is going to let an innocent person die," snapped Harley. "I think that's pretty funny."

"Yeah, but it's not really," said Batman. "Because if Joker knew I was gonna snap one day, it's kinda predictable that one day I'd let him kill innocent people without trying to stop him. And the Joker's never predictable."

"He's right, Harl," said Joker, nodding.

"Mr. J, don't you see what he's doing?" snapped Harley. "He's trying to out-think you so you don't kill this person! He's saving innocent people as usual, only he's using his brain this time instead of his fists so you don't pick up on it! It's all part of his act!"

"Why would he be acting?" demanded Joker.

"I don't know!" snapped Harley. "But I know he's lying about all this – my shrink sense comes with a truth detector…"

"If that's true, why were you taken in by the Joker's act when you were a shrink?" interrupted Batman. "He lied about his past, and you didn't pick up on that."

"He's right again, Harl," repeated Joker, nodding. "It's also kinda cruel to remind her of that, Bats – I like that mean streak in you!" he chuckled. "I mean, you were mean before, but this psychological cruelty is so much more damaging than just beating people. My kinda game!"

"Mr. J, listen to me," pleaded Harley. "He's playing you for a fool…"

"You know what I think, Harley?" interrupted Joker. "I think you're jealous. I think now that Batsy wants to be my sidekick, you're paranoid that I don't need you anymore. I think now that Batsy's begun to appreciate my genius, you're afraid you're being replaced as my number one fan. And so you're accusing him of lying just so I won't replace you. But this is about your own selfish insecurity, not about protecting me from Bats."

"How can you say that?" demanded Harley. "Everything I have ever done has been for you, Mr. J! I'm just trying to look out for you…"

"Well, I don't need you to look out for me, Harley!" snapped Joker. "I can take care of myself – I did that for a long time before you barged your way into the picture! And now you're afraid your time as the Joker's number one sidekick has come to an end, so you're trying to sow discord between me and Bats!"

"She's trying to come between us," said Batman. "Just like when she tried to kill me all those years ago. You remember that night, don't you, Harley? When he shoved you outta the window, when I told you he'd given the same sob story to all his shrinks, when I laughed at your dream of settling down with him, when you realized you weren't special to him…"

"Shut up!" shrieked Harley, launching herself at Batman.

"Harley, that's enough!" snapped Joker, seizing her around the waist before she could reach him. "Calm down!"

"I won't calm down!" she shrieked. "You can be mean to me all you want, you big ugly Bat, you can laugh at me and call me stupid, just like you did all those years ago, but I won't let you hurt Mr. J! I know you're up to something even if he's too blind to see it, and I will find out what it is!"

"Harley, you are going to stop all this right now!" snapped Joker. "Apologize to Bats at once for trying to attack him!"

"I won't!" retorted Harley. "He's just using you, Mr. J…"

"I said apologize!" interrupted Joker.

"And I said no!" retorted Harley, sticking her tongue out at him.

They glared at each other, and then Joker shrugged. "Fine," he snapped, turning on his heel. "Who needs you, you spoiled little brat? It's times like these you realize who the real important people are in your life, the people who truly care about you, and are happy for you when your greatest dream comes true, as opposed to those people who try to bring it crashing down because they're jealous and selfish. I always thought you were the former, Harley, but I can see you're just as self-centered and spiteful as everyone else. And I don't need a self-centered and spiteful brat hanging around me anymore. Bats, c'mon – we have better things to do with our time than hang out with a suspicious, ungrateful little broad. There's nothing worse than a miserable, moody sad sack, ain't that right, buddy?"

"That's right, buddy," agreed Batman, following him back to the car. He felt a little guilty for upsetting Harley like that, but he had needed Joker to get rid of her temporarily – she was too close to the truth about him. Fortunately he knew how easy it was to get Joker to dump Harley – it happened almost every week.

He and Joker climbed back into the Jokermobile and drove off. Batman saw Harley still glaring at them – she met his gaze and pointed two fingers at her eyes, and then at him. Batman tried to ignore it – Harley was many things, but a great detective, she was not. What was the worst she could do?


	5. Chapter 5

"What is it about women?" muttered Joker as they drove. "Why are they always so irrational all the time? And not fun irrational – psychotic irrational. And not fun psychotic. Something about hormones, right?"

"Something like that," agreed Batman. "Like Selina working with Luthor – that's not fun, and completely psychotic irrational."

"Oh, it's not really," said Joker, shrugging. "Selina's a mercenary kinda gal. She'll work with anyone to get what she wants, as you should probably know. Didn't she dump you for Bruce Wayne?"

"Yeah, but…we're kinda back together now," said Batman, slowly.

"You're a more forgiving man than me," said Joker. "If Harley had dumped me for some rich, simpering twit, not only would I never take her back, but I'd kill both of them horribly and painfully. Maybe melt some of Brucie's gold down and force them to drink it, or something. That would be ironic, but maybe a bit subtle for a Joker gag…"

"Well, I don't think that's a likely scenario anyway," interrupted Batman. "Though Harley will probably be pretty steamed at you for just dumping her like this."

"Oh, she'll get over it," retorted Joker. "If she got over me pushing her outta that window, she'll get over anything."

"You never worry about taking her for granted?" asked Batman.

"It's not a question of taking her for granted," replied Joker. "It's a question of knowing who she is. I know Harley – she's _my_ Harley Quinn, after all. I created her, and I know her as well as I know myself. Better, actually, since I can't remember who I used to be, but I know who Harley used to be. And I know she'd never leave me, no matter how badly I treat her, because she knows that I complete her. We already saw how her life would turn out without me – she was a boring, respectable shrink. Because of my influence, she was saved from wasting her life in that way. She needs me so she doesn't regain her sanity again, and go back to that boring, respectable way of life. I mean, she might be locked up in a straightjacket in Arkham, but that's nothing compared to the restrictive chains of sanity. Well, look who I'm talking to!" he chuckled. "Whoever you were before, Bats, isn't life so much better now that you're gloriously insane?"

"I…guess," said Batman, slowly.

"You guess?" repeated Joker. "It couldn't be better! You put on that costume of yours and you have the freedom to do anything! Sure, underneath that mask you're probably some normal, boring guy, but when you wear that mask, you're Batman. You're the guy who beats people into bloody messes for no other reason than your suspicion that they might be causing trouble. You're the guy who does whatever he wants whenever he wants! And you know why? Because you're crazy. That's what insanity gives you – it gives you freedom. And Harley would never give up that freedom, not for anything."

Batman said nothing – he was hoping to keep conversations with the Joker to a minimum. Something about his deranged ramblings always irritated him, unless it was to tell him his plan, of course.

"Where are we going now?" he asked.

"To see Harvey," replied Joker.

"He's involved too?" asked Batman. "Just how big is this operation?"

Joker chuckled. "You'll just have to wait and see, Batsy! Oooh, I can't wait to see the look on your face!" he giggled. "You coming over to the right side should be no surprise to Harvey, of course," he added. "He knows how fickle fate and human nature are. He was once a do-gooder like yourself, until acid to the face made him see otherwise. Y'know, that does corroborate Harley's theory that people only fundamentally change after some big trauma," he said, frowning suddenly.

"Just because it's true for Harvey doesn't mean it's true for everyone," said Batman, hastily. "I'm the exception to the rule, and would you really expect anything else from me?"

Joker's smile returned. "Of course not, buddy," he said. "We're two of a kind, you and me. There's no one out there like us."

Batman suppressed a sigh of relief at having dodged a bullet as Joker pulled the car up next to a half-dilapidated, half-pristine building. Batman thought that even if Joker hadn't led him here, he'd have been able to figure out this was Two-Face's hideout pretty easily.

Joker knocked on the door. "Get lost!" shouted Two-Face from inside.

"It's me, Harv, open up!" said Joker, knocking again.

"I said get lost!" retorted Two-Face.

"But Harvey, it's important," said Joker. "You know, it's a good day to stop flossing."

Batman figured this must be code for something, because a few seconds later, the door opened. "It's really not a good time for this," muttered Two-Face, glaring at him. "Batman," he said, nodding at Batman, who was puzzled at the fact that he didn't seem surprised to see him. "I'm kinda in the middle of something…"

"He's lying, isn't he, Harvey?" snapped a familiar voice from inside. "He is _such_ a liar…"

Poison Ivy threw open the door, and stared in astonishment at Batman. "Batman…why haven't you arrested Joker?" she demanded.

"Because we're pals," retorted Joker. "He's come over to the winning side, as I always told you losers he would. And, as I said, you know, it's a good day to stop flossing."

"Yeah, yeah, just a second," muttered Two-Face, heading back inside.

Ivy continued to glare at both of them. "Have you been to see Jervis?" she demanded. "Is Batman being mind controlled?"

"No, it's legit!" snapped Joker. "He's had an epiphany."

"Why?" demanded Ivy. "We've all been around you about as long as he has, and none of us agree with your ludicrous worldview!"

"I guess none of you are as enlightened then," sniffed Joker. "I was just saying to Bats that we're two of a kind, or two sides of the same coin, if you prefer, Harvey," he said, nodding as Two-Face returned with a wrapped giftbox, similar to the one Crane and Tetch had given them.

"I'm kinda surprised you're going along with this, Ivy," commented Batman. "I mean, Selina is your friend, isn't she?"

Ivy stared at him. "Going along with what? What about Selina?"

"With…whatever's in the box," said Batman slowly, pointing.

"I know exactly what's in the box – what's it got to do with Selina?" demanded Ivy.

"Well…I'm not sure exactly," said Batman. "I just know this all involves her and Lex…"

"Lex?" repeated Ivy. "Luthor? What's he got to do with any of this? Does he have a box? I didn't know you gave 'em to people outside of Gotham, J, I thought this was just for us locals."

"Lex doesn't have a box," retorted Joker. "Selina does, though."

"Yeah, but she only took it out of spite, and swore she'd never need it," said Ivy. "She's gonna be pretty annoyed if you show up at hers wanting to collect it. And she's gonna be annoyed at you in general for this, of course," she added, nodding at Batman. "I think she always found your completely irrational devotion to justice and order kinda cute, the way you date guys who have pet causes that you find cute, like veganism. Of course I'd never date a guy who had that for his pet cause – I'd have my plants devour him instead. But a lotta women like pathetic guys like that."

"Hey, now that Bats is my sidekick, he's gonna have all the dames he wants," retorted Joker. "Girls can't resist a violent psychopath, everyone knows that."

"Speaking of girls who can't resist violent psychopaths, where is Harley?" asked Ivy, looking around.

"I left her stranded a few streets away," said Joker. "She was being jealous of Bats and saying his sudden change was all an act, and I got sick of her ridiculous paranoia and dumped her."

"It could all be an act," agreed Two-Face, nodding. "The coin thinks it is," he added, as it landed good side up.

"You people just have no faith in him at all, do you?" demanded Joker. "You have no trust that one day he'd see the light!"

"Yeah, I guess you could say we underestimated his craziness," said Two-Face. "Lesson learned."

"Unless it is all an act," said Ivy. "Harley's stupid about a lotta things, like Joker's feelings for her, but she's a fairly good judge of human behavior in general, being a shrink and all. If she thinks he's faking, I'm willing to believe her."

"No, you're just wanting to rain on my parade, as usual!" snapped Joker. "Anyway, as Bats rightly pointed out, she couldn't tell when I was faking my backstory at Arkham, so obviously she's not as good a shrink as she thinks she is!"

"What time are you opening the box, J?" asked Two-Face, changing the subject.

"Eight o'clock – be there, losers, or be square!" snapped Joker, taking the box and heading back to the car. He placed the box in the backseat, secured it carefully, and then went around to the driver's side. Batman took this opportunity to try and get a glimpse of what was in the box – he raised the lid slightly, but could only see a jumble of colorful material before Joker slammed the lid down.

"No peeking!" he snapped.

"Sorry, I'm just…excited to find out what the surprise is," said Batman.

"You'll find out soon enough," replied Joker, checking his watch. "We've got one more stop to go, but I'm hungry. How about you?"

"I…could eat," said Batman, slowly.

"Good! You're not watching your weight, are you?" he asked. "Because I've got a hankering for some fast food!"

"Fine," said Batman. "We're going through the drive-thru, right?"

"Nah, I can never understand the people talking through those speakers," said Joker. "Plus there's always a line for the drive-thru. We should just go in and eat."

"You want us…Batman and the Joker…to march into a fast food restaurant, order food, and then sit there and eat it?" asked Batman, slowly.

"Sure, why not?" asked Joker. "Then everyone can see what good pals we are, and how you've turned over a new leaf. Hell, we might even cause a little chaos by sticking up the joint while we're there or something. Start you off with a small crime before we get you onto the big stuff."

"Well…Luthor's kinda expecting you, and it would be rude to keep him waiting…" began Batman, grasping at straws.

"Good – I feel like being rude to that bald jerk after he refused my ice cream offer," snapped Joker. "What's he gonna do? He can't do this scheme without me, so he'll just have to wait until I'm good and ready. Let's go to this one, with the clown outside – maybe they'll give me a discount," he said, pulling into a parking lot. "Coming, Bats?"

There was nothing Batman wanted to do less than go into a fast food restaurant to have dinner with the Joker, but he didn't see any way out of it without blowing his cover. He couldn't say he was suddenly called away, since he was supposed to be his own insane psychopathic man now, with no other concerns except for hanging out with his buddy. He could suddenly fake a cold or something, but he thought the only thing more embarrassing than going into a restaurant with the Joker was having the Joker attempt to take care of him. And if he suddenly started behaving suspiciously, maybe Joker would begin to reconsider Harley's accusations. It was best if he didn't rock the boat.

"Coming, buddy," he said through gritted teeth, as he followed him inside.


	6. Chapter 6

"Welcome to Chucky Charlie's, may I take your…" began the server, suddenly looking up from the register and just noticing who her customers were. "…order?" she managed to stammer, after freezing in shock at seeing Batman and the Joker standing at the counter.

"Yes, indeedy do, thank you!" said Joker, cheerfully. "I'll have the McClown Melt meal, extra pickles and mustard, please, with a side of onion rings, a side of fries, and a chocolate milkshake. And a scalding apple pie for dessert. Oh, and all the toys from the kids meals, please – I'll pay extra for those."

"We don't actually sell those separately…" began the server, but she trailed off as the Joker just continued to smile at her. "Yes, sir," she said, punching in some buttons. "And for you, sir?" she asked, nodding at Batman.

"I'll have the…uh…" Batman scanned the menu – he had never actually been in a fast food restaurant before. As Bruce Wayne, his meals had always either been prepared by Alfred, or by a chef at some expensive restaurant. "Chucky Cheeseburger, I guess?" he said.

"Just on its own, or do you want it as a meal?" asked the server.

"Uh…I would like to eat it as a meal, if that's what you mean," said Batman, puzzled.

"A meal means it comes with a drink and sides," said the server.

"Buddy…have you never been to a fast food restaurant before?" asked Joker, incredulous.

"It's not a habit of mine, no," said Batman.

"You don't know what you're missing!" exclaimed Joker. "Here, sweetheart, just give him the same as me," he said, turning to the server. "He can't judge what he wants if he doesn't know what's out there, and he can take the toys back to that kid he used to hang around with, as a consolation prize. Speaking of which, how is Robin taking the news?" he asked. "Or doesn't he know yet?"

"He doesn't know yet," replied Batman.

"Well, expect him to take it as badly as Harley," said Joker. "She has the emotional maturity of a child. Do you like onion rings? Some people don't like onion rings."

"That'll be fine," said Batman, just trying to get out of this incredibly awkward situation as quickly as possible.

"That'll be $20.17, sir," said the server. To Batman's relief, Joker reached into his wallet and handed her some bills, rather than shooting her, which is what Batman feared would happen when someone asked the Joker for money.

"Hang on a second," said Batman, grabbing the bills before the server could take them. He studied them carefully, looking for some sign of toxin or poison which might be absorbed through the skin. When he was satisfied they were safe, he handed them to the server. "Thought you had…given her too much," he invented.

"Yeah, intentionally so," said Joker. "I'm a good tipper - you keep the change, sweetheart, for not kicking up a fuss about those toys."

"Thank you, sir," said the server. "I'd ask for your name for this order, but…I don't think that's necessary."

"You don't have to say both of our names," spoke up Batman.

"Why shouldn't she?" asked Joker.

"She just…shouldn't have to," said Batman, looking around. Most people in the restaurant were studiously averting their gazes, but some were staring with barely concealed looks of horror on their faces.

Batman noticed one small boy staring, who pointed at them. "Look, Mommy, it's Batman and the Joker!" he exclaimed. "Why aren't they fighting?"

"I don't know, sweetie. Eat your hamburger and don't point - it's rude," said his mother.

"Batman's a good guy, and Joker's a bad guy. They should be fighting," said the boy, ignoring her and continuing to point.

"Oh, you poor delusional child, to see the world in such black and white terms," sighed Joker, coming over to him. "When you get a little bit older, you'll realize that there's no such things as good guys and bad guys, and that they shouldn't be fighting, because there's no point in fighting. You'll realize that life is just one big joke on humanity, and you can either not have a sense of humor about it, or you can laugh at the cruel absurdity of the world. A kid like you, you'll probably be humorless about it, like Bats was, as first. But he became older and wiser, and now he's seen that if you can't beat the madness, you should join it."

"So…Batman's on your side now?" asked the boy. "I don't believe it."

"Well, you'd better believe it, you little brat, because it's true!" snapped Joker.

"Nah, I've read enough about Batman to know he'd never go over to the bad side," said the boy, shaking his head. "This is some trick he's playing on you. Batman always outsmarts you."

"I don't know what kinda crap you've been reading, kid, but I think your Mommy should start censoring that superhero propaganda stuff!" snapped Joker. "Any good parent wouldn't let their child read such rubbish!"

"It's not rubbish – it's great," retorted the boy. "You just don't like it because you always get your butt kicked by Batman. And he's gonna kick it again before today is over, you'll see."

Batman could sense Joker becoming angrier, and saw him reaching toward his gun. "Hey, how about an autograph from Batman, kid?" he asked, trying to change the subject. "Would you like that?"

"Sure, thanks!" exclaimed the boy. "I can't wait to tell all my friends that I met Batman, and that he was playing a big trick on the Joker!"

"It's not a trick, you dumb kid!" roared Joker. "We're friends now!"

"No, you're not, stupid," retorted the boy. "He hates your guts."

"Joker, Batman, your order is ready," said the server, and Batman let out a sigh of relief as Joker headed over to collect the tray.

"Listen, kid, you're right – I'm undercover at the moment," he whispered, signing the child's napkin. "But you have to pretend like you believe Joker, ok? Otherwise he'll hurt you, and me, and you wouldn't want that, would you?"

"No, sir," said the boy.

"So help Batman out by pretending we're friends," said Batman. "Ok?"

"Ok," said the boy, nodding.

"Good news, Batsy – the toys are mini-projectiles!" exclaimed Joker. "We can have hours of fun with these! They're just small enough and dangerous enough to poke out eyes!"

"Yeah…great," said Batman, sitting down next to him. Joker pushed a tray at him.

"That's yours," he said.

"Uh…ok," said Batman, slowly, staring at it. He tentatively picked up a french fry and ate it. "It tastes…kinda like cardboard," he said.

"I wouldn't know – haven't ever eaten cardboard!" chuckled Joker, stuffing several fries into his mouth. "You gotta unwrap the melt," he continued, nodding at the wrapped item in the center of the tray.

Batman did so carefully, still staring in confusion at it. "It doesn't look much like what's on the picture," he said.

"Well, that's life, isn't it?" asked Joker, unwrapping his. "They promise you one thing, and give you another. Still, like life, it's cheap and messy and good!" he chuckled, biting into his melt.

Batman forced a smile, and managed to force a bite of the melt down his throat before giving up.

"Think I can hit that kid from here?" asked Joker, loading the projectile toy and pointing it at the boy.

"You probably can, but ignoring him is probably the best way to stop encouraging him," said Batman.

Joker chuckled. "Sound advice, but when have you ever followed that?" he laughed, shooting the projectile at the boy.

"Ow! Mommy, he hit me!" shrieked the child.

"Yeah, what are you gonna do about it, kid?" demanded Joker.

The boy glared at him, and then shot the projectile back with his own toy. Joker caught it easily, and then loaded it again, pointing it at Batman. "This reminds me of the good old days when we were enemies!" he sighed, shooting it so it bounced off Batman's mask. "But the best days are yet to come, huh?"

"Sure," said Batman, forcing another smile. Joker held out his hand to get the projectile back, but Batman snapped it while picking it up. "Oops," he said, putting the remains on the table. "Guess these things are pretty cheaply made."

"Yeah," agreed Joker. "You don't mind if I borrow yours, do you?" he asked, seizing Batman's projectile and aiming it at the child. "I just wanna hit him in the eye…"

"You know, I've decided I'm not that hungry after all, so why don't you get your meal to go, and I'll drive us to wherever we need to go next?" asked Batman, trying to prevent Joker from actually harming the child.

"Why can't we eat here?" asked Joker.

"Well…I'm really excited about this surprise, and I just can't wait much longer," invented Batman. "And a friend wouldn't want to make me wait, would he?"

"I guess not," agreed Joker, picking up his meal. "Ok, we'll get a to-go bag. For yours too – if you don't want it, I ain't wasting it. That's good grease," he said, throwing the meals into the bag. "Oh, and I want some of those little packets of ketchup for the road," he said, grabbing a handful. "They're useful for all kinds of things."

"Like what, aside from eating?" asked Batman.

Joker grinned. "Well, I'll show you," he said, tearing a small hole in one packet, and then putting it down on the ground. He suddenly jumped hard on it, sending the ketchup squirting across the restaurant and hitting the child he had been arguing with earlier.

The child screamed, and began throwing his own food back at the Joker. "Joker, he's not worth it, c'mon!" snapped Batman, trying to restrain the Joker as he kept shooting more ketchup at the child.

"You got off lightly, kid!" shouted Joker, as Batman dragged him out the door. "You're lucky it's just ketchup and not your own blood! Geez, kids these days!" he sighed. "Upstart little brats who think they know everything – I blame bad parenting. That's the cause of so many problems, bad parenting or lack of parenting. Some people with no parenting turn into total lunatics, y'know. Like that Bruce Wayne guy – he sees his parents shot dead when he's a kid, and so he snaps completely and starts living a hedonistic lifestyle with no regard for anyone else, and no emotional bonds to anyone. I mean, that's basically what I do too, but people call me crazy, and they don't call him crazy just because he's rich? Explain how that's fair."

"I…don't know," said Batman. "Now where to?" he asked, as they got in the car.

"Oh, you'll know this address!" chuckled Joker. "We're going to see Catwoman! But you gotta promise not to tell her about this little thing me and Lexy are planning."

"O…k," said Batman, slowly. "I mean, I don't know what that is, so…"

"But you can't even hint that we got something planned for this animal sanctuary opening," said Joker. "It's bros before hoes, Batsy, and you gotta pinky swear not to give her any indication that we're planning something. Pinky swear?" he asked, holding up his hand.

Batman sighed heavily, and reluctantly shook Joker's pinky. He was wondering how this day could possibly get any worse. He was going to find out shortly.


	7. Chapter 7

"Harley, what an unexpected surprise," said Selina Kyle, opening the door to Harley Quinn. "What are you doing here, and without your usual clown baggage?"

"Yeah, he dumped me again," muttered Harley. "But it's not his fault this time – it's Batman's."

"Sure," said Selina, sarcastically. "Why blame your boyfriend for his completely standard cruelty when you could blame mine?"

"Good, you're still seeing each other," said Harley. "Have you seen him recently?"

"Yeah," said Selina. "Why?"

"Has he been discussing…switching sides recently?" asked Harley.

Selina stared at her. "You mean like…sexually or…"

"No, I mean like morally and philosophically coming over to the side of the criminal," said Harley. "Wait, he hasn't talked about switching sides sexually, has he?"

"No," retorted Selina. "But frankly, that's about as plausible as him coming over to the criminal side."

"See, I knew it!" exclaimed Harley. "I knew this was all just an act!"

"What was all just an act?" asked Selina.

"Bats showed up saying Mr. J was right all along, and he's finally seen the light," said Harley. "But I know it's not true, and just some cheap trick he's pulling, but I don't know why."

"You sure it's Batman?" asked Selina.

"Mr. J's sure," retorted Harley. "I'd believe him over anyone."

"Well, in that case, you're probably right – it is probably a trick," said Selina, nodding. "Though it's not his usual style, I must admit. Batman's a pretty straightforward guy, aside from the whole secret identity thing. If it's a trick, it's probably been set up by someone else."

Selina thought, and suddenly snapped her fingers. "He had to leave early this morning in order to get to a Justice League meeting at the Watchtower. Maybe this is something they've set up?"

"The Justice League?" repeated Harley, frowning. "Why would they wanna trick Mr. J?"

"Revenge for him tricking them?" asked Selina, shrugging. "Hasn't he pulled some pretty crazy stunts on them over the years?"

"Oh yeah!" laughed Harley. "He's done it all! He once attached banana peels to the bottom of the Flash's suit, so he slid into a wall and gave himself a concussion! And then there was the time he snuck the Kryptonite into Superman's food, which made him sick for a week!"

"Didn't he flash Wonder Woman once?" asked Selina.

"No," retorted Harley, glaring at her. "That wouldn't be funny."

"I'm pretty sure he did, though," said Selina.

"Well, I'm pretty sure he didn't!" snapped Harley. "He woulda told me about that!"

"I'm pretty sure he wouldn't have," retorted Selina. "Anyway, I guess it's a possible explanation, but it does seem kinda petty for the Justice League. I would have thought they'd have bigger things to worry about – there's probably some alien civilization poised to attack the earth or something. That kinda crap is always happening with them around – I think they attract the freaks. That's certainly Lex's theory anyway."

"Yeah, Lex," muttered Harley, her eyes narrowing suddenly. "He's not planning anything against them, is he?"

"How should I know?" retorted Selina. "He's building a nature preserve for me because he owes me, but that doesn't mean we have long talks about our plans for the future. I think he's kinda a creep, personally, and it doesn't surprise me that Ivy dated him, because that's her type."

"Yeah, she has terrible taste in men," said Harley, nodding.

"Said the pot to the kettle," retorted Selina. "Anyway, I helped Lex out to help my cats, not because I like him or want to talk to him about his philosophy on superheroes doing more harm than good."

"It's just…maybe if he's planning something, maybe the Justice League sent Batman to get close to Mr. J so Mr. J could lead him to Lex, or at least tell him Lex's plan," said Harley. "That kinda makes sense, right?"

"Sure," said Selina, shrugging. "But they're gonna be really disappointed when they find out Lex's plan is just this animal sanctuary. And Batman's gonna be pissed that he went through all that effort for nothing. Pretending to be friends with the Joker must be killing him."

"He's not a very good actor, but Mr. J is buying it," sighed Harley. "That's why he dumped me, because I suggested Bats was faking this whole thing. But then he's always dreamed of Batman joining him in insanity one day, and having the two of them driving around in a van solving mysteries."

"Like Scooby-Doo?" asked Selina.

"I guess," said Harley, shrugging. "It ain't my dream. Anyway, if you wanna be fooled, you will be, and Mr. J really wants to be fooled about this. I'm just worried he's gonna get his heart broken when he finds out the truth. It's just gonna crush him."

"If I were you, I'd be less concerned about the feelings of a man who clearly has no regard for your feelings," retorted Selina. "A man who dumps you because he doesn't like you suggesting that his arch enemy might be faking at being his friend. If he doesn't treat you with basic respect or courtesy, why should you give a damn about his feelings?"

"Because I love him," retorted Harley. "He may be a massive jerk sometimes, but I love him."

"Idealism over sense," sighed Selina, shaking her head. "You and Batman have more in common than you think."

"Yeah, right," sniffed Harley. "I wish Mr. J could see that if it's true. Then maybe he'd be as excited to hang out with me as he is hanging out with Batman."

There was a knock on Selina's door. "Kittypie, it's me! And I've got a swell surprise for you! You know, it's a good day to stop flossing!"

"Well, speak of the devil," sighed Selina, going over to answer the door. "It's the BS bromance!"

She opened the door. "Bet you're kinda shocked to see your boyfriend hanging out with the likes of me, huh?" asked Joker, smiling at her.

"No," retorted Selina, glaring at Batman. "He does a lotta weird things. But I have lost a little respect for him for going through with this underhanded charade set up by the Justice League."

"I don't know what you're talking about, Selina," said Batman, through gritted teeth. "This isn't a charade. The Joker and I are friends now."

"Sure, and I'm a dog person," retorted Selina, folding her arms across her chest. "Just how dumb do you think I am?"

"Well, I've known you a lotta years, kitty, and I'd say you're just slightly smarter than the average feline," chuckled Joker. "Now, as I was saying, you know, it's a good day to stop flossing."

Selina sighed. "Fine, I'll get your stupid present," she muttered. "By the way, is it true you flashed Wonder Woman once?"

"Oh yeah," chuckled Joker. "And judging by her face, she liked what she saw! Of course any woman would be distracted by my massive…"

He trailed off when he saw Harley standing behind Selina, glaring at him. "My massive…bomb," he finished. "It was a bomb vest that I flashed her with, you see…"

"Mr. J, how could you?!" shrieked Harley.

"It was just a joke, baby - she was expecting to see the Full Joker, but she saw a bomb instead!" exclaimed Joker.

"Wait, you did what?" demanded Batman, rounding on him. "Why would you do that to Wonder Woman?"

"Because it was funny!" snapped Joker. "Because pulling pranks on those straight-laced losers is what I do, and what you'll do as my sidekick!"

"I'm not flashing anyone," said Batman.

"For the last time, it was a flash bomb!" snapped Joker. "Get it?! Flash bomb! But now that I think about it, I guess the Flash would have been a more suitable target for the joke…maybe strapping him to a bomb would have made it more obvious…"

"Oh, c'mon, Bats, it's nothing Wonder Woman wouldn't have seen before in your case," snorted Harley.

"What's that supposed to mean?" demanded Selina, returning with an identical gift box.

"Bats and her used to go out," said Harley. "Didn't you know that? Everyone knows that."

"No, he…didn't tell me that," growled Selina, glaring at Batman again. "So when you left here to meet with the Justice League this morning, you were actually going to see your ex-girlfriend, is that it?"

"No, Selina, it was just a couple of dates a long time ago…" began Batman.

"Oh, and I suppose Little Miss Goody Two Shoes really knew how to pleasure a man, considering she didn't meet one until she was 800 years old!" snapped Selina. "Yeah, I bet she was incredible!"

"Hey, he said two dates, kitty – there's no hanky panky until the third!" snapped Joker.

"We had hanky panky on our first date!" snapped Harley.

"We didn't date!" retorted Joker. "And it was our third therapy session, as you well know!"

"It just didn't work out, and we agreed we wouldn't see each other anymore, and remain platonic colleagues…" continued Batman.

"And that's when you came crawling back to me, huh?" demanded Selina. "When you'd had enough of the pure and perfect symbol of ultimate womanhood, you fall back on the thief, is that how it is? How could I possibly compete with her?! But you figure you might as well just settle for the stray cat just so you're not lonely at night, right?!"

"Selina, it's not like that…" began Batman.

"I don't care what it's like – just take your stupid box!" shouted Selina, throwing it at Batman.

"Woah, careful with that!" snapped Joker, catching it.

"You two deserve each other!" shouted Selina. "You're both a couple of lying rats who treat the women in your lives appallingly! I hope you're stuck with each other for the rest of your miserable lives!"

She slammed the door in their faces. They turned and headed back to the car, when the door opened again and Harley was shoved out after them.

"It's not my fault he didn't tell you, Selina!" she snapped, glaring at the closed door as she straightened up.

"It's entirely your fault, you little brat!" snapped Joker. "And now thanks to you, Batsy's relationship with the kitty is over! Look at him – he's heartbroken!" he exclaimed, pointing at Batman, who looked his regular, emotionless self.

"He looks the same as he always does," retorted Harley.

"He's putting on a brave face, but he's dying inside!" snapped Joker. "And it's all your fault!"

"It's nothing less than he deserves for deceiving you, puddin'…" began Harley.

"For the last time, he's not deceiving me!" roared Joker. "I know him!"

"No, you don't!" cried Harley. "You only see what you wanna see! You wanna believe the best in him even when it's not there!"

"Oh, just stop with the shrink speak for once!" shouted Joker. "Maybe you think that's true because that's obviously what you do for me, but it's not true for Bats!"

Harley stared at him. "Are you saying I'm the delusional one for thinking the best of you?" she murmured. "Are you saying I'm stupid for loving you?"

"Of course you are!" shouted Joker. "And you must be thick as a brick for not getting it by now, Harley! You mean nothing to me! You're a worthless little distraction who's gotten in the way of my happiness for far too long! And now that I finally have what I've always wanted, you're trying to get in the way of that! But get this, toots! I don't love you, I never loved you, and everything I ever told you was a lie! My life is finally fulfilled, with my Bat buddy at my side, and I want you to stay the hell out of it before you screw it up again, the way you always screw up everything, and the way you just screwed up Batsy's relationship! But I am not letting your ridiculous suspicions and your stupid jealousy come between me and the only person I have ever cared about! And guess what, Harley? That ain't you! If either of us is the pathetic delusional here, it's you, and frankly, I'm sick of indulging you! So just get lost, you useless, incompetent, sorry excuse for a henchwench! Oh, and by the way, I think Wonder Woman was a little interested. Assuming Batsy doesn't mind, maybe I'll ask her out once I've got rid of the pathetic little broad hanging like a noose around my neck! It'd be nice to see what a real woman is like, for once!"

Harley grew more heartbroken with each word, and Batman watched the tears gather in her eyes. She sobbed, and raced off into the streets without another word.

"I do mind, about the whole Wonder Woman thing," spoke up Batman, when they were back in the car and driving.

"Oh, I just said that to rile her – I ain't really gonna ask her out," muttered Joker. "She ain't my type. Too…y'know...boring. Like a female version of Superman, no offense."

"Speaking of Superman, are we going to go see Lex now?" asked Batman.

"Yeah," sighed Joker. "No doubt to listen to another diatribe about how this is all an act, and you can't possibly have joined me. I don't get why it's so hard for people to accept."

Batman studied him. Joker's face was completely serious, for once, and Batman almost felt a twinge of remorse about what he was doing. If Joker truly believed him, it honestly would crush him when he found out Harley and everyone else was right. But then he remembered the horrible things Joker had said to Harley, and felt less guilty. Batman had been horrible to her in order to complete his mission – Joker had been horrible to her because that's what he did. And if he was truly so callous toward someone so clearly devoted to him, Batman figured breaking his heart was kinda impossible, since he clearly didn't have one.


	8. Chapter 8

Joker and Batman arrived at a small, dilapidated building on the outskirts of Gotham. "Lex is in there?" asked Batman, looking skeptically at the shack.

"Well, we get to him through there," retorted Joker. "Thanks to your boy in blue, Lex has had to build all kinds of weird hideouts and secret entrances so he's not constantly spied on by an alien. I understand his concern – I don't respect Lex either, but really, basic privacy should be a human right. How would you like it if you were being watched all the time? I mean, I guess you are, since Supey can see through walls and stuff – he could be watching us right now."

"God, I hope not," muttered Batman.

"You'd better get used to the idea if you're gonna last on our side," said Joker. "Dealing with nosy, super-powered authoritarians is part of our everyday routine, and it makes life a whole lotta difficult. Well, you know what I mean – you used to be one. Tell me, while you said it was just to protect innocent people, you kinda got off on the power trip of spying on everyone, huh?"

"Uh…no," said Batman.

"I would have," said Joker. "I once hacked into the security camera system in Arkham just to spy on the other freaks. They were surprisingly boring. The doctors on the other hand…"

"That's really interesting, Joker – do you want me to carry two of these?" interrupted Batman, reaching for the boxes in the back.

"No, leave 'em for now," said Joker. "Let's just show Lex we're here."

Batman shrugged, following Joker toward the door. He knocked, and a few moments later, a slot opened in the door, revealing a small camera. Joker leaned forward and kissed the lens. "Honey, I'm home!" he exclaimed.

"You're cleaning that camera," snapped Luthor's voice, followed by a buzz. Joker pushed the door open, and Batman followed him inside.

The inside of the shack was nothing but a long, metallic tunnel, which led off in several different directions. They heard Luthor's voice coming from one of the directions, and followed it. As they approached, they saw that he was video chatting to someone on his laptop.

"Now, I really must be going – I'm expecting company," Luthor was saying.

"Just one more question, Mr. Luthor, if you don't mind," said a female voice on the other end. Batman froze, recognizing it.

"What's wrong, buddy?" asked Joker.

"He's talking to Vicki Vale," whispered Batman.

"So?" asked Joker. "I'm sure he won't mind if we interrupt. I mean, I'm sure he will, but that's half the fun!"

"You don't understand – Vicki Vale is a journalist," whispered Batman. "She can't see you with me – she'd tell everyone!"

"So?" repeated Joker. "If we're pals now, she's gonna find out sooner or later, just like everyone will. What's the problem whether it's now or later?"

Batman stared at him, wondering if he should just break the act now. But he sincerely doubted he could take both Luthor and Joker single-handedly, and besides, Vicki Vale was well-known to have made up stories on occasion. Even if she did see them together, Batman could always claim that this was another one of those fake, click-bait articles to boost falling sales. So he forced another smile. "No problem at all, buddy," he said.

"…it just seems to me that people rightfully criticize the NSA for spying on people without their knowledge, but they don't criticize the Justice League," Luthor was saying. "At least we elect the government – we do not elect these self-appointed guardians of so-called justice. I'm actually transmitting to you now from an underground bunker I have had to construct just for my own peace of mind, to know my privacy is not being invaded by a snooping alien. Frankly, I'm the victim here. I'm being unfairly targeted and persecuted."

"But wouldn't you concede that the Justice League have some right to be suspicious of you based on your past actions, Mr. Luthor?" asked Vicki.

"It's possible that aliens, or those members of the organization who have been around for centuries, for instance, might be unfamiliar with the idea of redemption, and that, in this country at least, a man's past does not necessarily determine his path for the future," Luthor replied. "I have paid my debt to society by literally upholding society, which includes Metropolis and all its infrastructure. This despite the fact that I have remained unconvicted of any criminal activity by a court of law."

"I'm not insinuating that you have undue authority over the courts or anything, but what checks should we have on the rich and powerful if the system can be manipulated by the rich and powerful?" asked Vicki.

"I might ask the same question in regards to the Justice League," retorted Luthor. "Who monitors justice to see that it remains just? Or are we just meant to trust that those people granted superpowers are also granted super wisdom and super judgment and super reliability and super trustworthiness? Forgive me if I'm a little skeptical of that attitude, Miss Vale. Now I really must go, but I'd love to continue this interview later, maybe over dinner sometime?"

"Oooh, Lex, you old smoothie!" chuckled Joker, appearing behind Luthor on the webcam suddenly. "You've got power and charm, all the qualities women love, except hair, of course!" he laughed, patting Luthor's bald head. "How can you resist a guy like that, Vicki?" he asked, smiling at the camera.

"Is that the Joker?" asked Vicki Vale, her eyes lighting up at the prospect of an exclusive scoop. She stared at the webcam and suddenly noticed a movement in the shadows, and her eyes lit up even more. "Is that…Batman?" she whispered.

Luthor whirled around. "Uh…no, it's not either of those people," he said, shoving Joker out of the way. "Now I really do have to go…"

"Why is the Joker with you? And more importantly, why is the Joker with Batman? Are you allies? Are _they_ allies? That's a much more interesting story – you don't have to confirm or deny, just blink once for yes and twice for no…"

Luthor hung up suddenly, slamming the laptop lid down. "Joker, what the hell do you mean by crashing my interview?" he shouted. "And what the hell is he doing here?" he demanded, throwing a finger at Batman. "Why would you lead a member of the Justice League straight to one of my secret hideouts, after all my work to hide it from them?!"

"Relax, Lexy – Bats ain't a member of the Justice League no more," said Joker. "He's come over to our side."

Luthor stared at him. "I can't believe you actually fell for that story, Joker!" he snapped. "Of course he hasn't come over to our side! He's just using you to get to me, to find out where I am and what I'm up to! I've been avoiding Superman for weeks, so he's sent his little Bat-lackey to find me!"

"Hey, I'm not Superman's lackey!" snapped Batman.

"Yeah, of the two of them, he's the brains," agreed Joker. "And I think I know Bats a little better than you do, Lex. The fact is, he's become woke, as the kids say, and seen that our view of the world was right all along. So he's abandoning those super-powered weirdos to join the winning side."

"Joker, as much as I admire your optimism, no superhero has ever changed their view and joined our side," retorted Luthor. "They never have, and they never will."

"First time for everything," retorted Joker. "And Batsy was never a real superhero anyway. He doesn't have any special powers to beat people down with like the rest of those do-gooders."

"Actually, I do consider myself a real superhero," said Batman.

"Well, what's your super power?" asked Luthor.

Batman was silent. "Gadgets?" he said at last.

"I have those, and I'm not a superhero," snapped Luthor.

"You're a supervillain," pointed out Batman.

"Yes, but that's because I'm the antagonist of a superhero," said Luthor. "Or, you know, so-called superhero because he has super powers, not because he ever does anything actually heroic. You know what this latest battle for Metropolis was about? Some alien moron had come here to challenge Superman, so they got into a fight, and the city racked up millions in property damage. Explain how that's heroic. Anyway, Batman's not here to help us destroy Catwoman's animal sanctuary, being a paramour of hers, so kindly get him out."

"I'll go, after I finish helping out my buddy Joker, just like I promised," said Batman.

"See?" said Joker, sticking his tongue out at Luthor. "We _are_ pals."

"You're not, and I'm not comfortable putting this plan into action while he's here," said Luthor. "So get him out."

"I'm going nowhere, except back to the car to help Joker bring those boxes in," said Batman.

"What boxes?" asked Luthor, puzzled.

"The boxes…we had to collect from Scarecrow, and Two-Face, and Catwoman," said Batman, slowly. "The gift boxes?"

"I don't have the faintest idea what you're talking about," snapped Luthor. "Gift boxes? Is this some kind of joke?"

"Actually, it is," said Joker, smiling at him. "And it's on you, Lexy! Nighty night!" he exclaimed, pulling a gun and firing a dart directly at Luthor. It hit him in the neck, and he slumped forward, instantly losing consciousness.

Batman looked from him to Joker. "Lex doesn't know about the boxes?" he asked. "So they're for an entirely separate scheme to the one you planned with him?"

"I'm afraid so," agreed Joker. "What can I say? I'm an unpredictable guy, and I hate to be boring. And speaking of unpredictable…"

He fired a dart at Batman, which embedded itself in his jaw before Batman could block it. "Sorry to do this to you, buddy - you're gonna have a bit of a headache later," he heard Joker's voice saying, seemingly from far away, as the image of Joker's beaming smile swam before his vision. "But it'll all be worth it when you wake up. You'll see!"

He blacked out to Joker's hysterical laughter.


	9. Chapter 9

Batman didn't fully regain consciousness for some time, but he heard snippets of conversation as he drifted in and out. Usually the Joker talking at someone.

"Don't give me that look! I said I wanted all of them blown up and I do!"

"Is that really necessary though, Joker? There are so many of them…"

"So you better stop dilly-dallying and get to it! And remember to blow up all of them! If I find out you left even one out, I'll make you eat your goddamn hat, get me?!"

"I told you we should have been fashionably late, Jonathan – if one arrives early, one is always forced to do unpleasant tasks," sighed the voice Batman recognized as Jervis Tetch.

"If Harley were here, she'd do it for me, but I'm a little behind schedule because she's not," retorted Joker. "This is a hard thing to set up all on your own, you know! I'd like to see you nerds try it!"

"We would never set up something so ghastly," retorted a voice Batman recognized as Jonathan Crane.

"I wouldn't point fingers, Professor Scarecrow," retorted Joker. "Everything you do is the definition of ghastly!"

"But Joker, it's grotesque," replied Crane.

"You know, Harley does a lot less complaining than you two," snapped Joker. "She's also hotter."

"Yes, perhaps you shouldn't have heartlessly dumped her for a couple of reasons then," retorted Crane.

"Pammie!" exclaimed Joker, as Batman heard the door open. "You're just in time to lend a hand!"

"You do your own dirty work, Joker," snapped Ivy. "I'm only here in the hopes that something will go horribly wrong."

"This whole thing is already horribly wrong," commented Two-Face.

"Shut up and help out!" snapped Joker.

"Coin says no," replied Two-Face. "You're on your own. This whole awful thing is your insane idea, after all."

Batman's eyes fluttered open, but his vision was swimming, and he could only make out blurry shapes and colors. Suddenly, Joker noticed his eyes were open.

"Nope, sorry buddy, you can't be awake yet!" he exclaimed, grabbing one of the boxes and slamming it over Batman's head. Batman briefly wondered what the hell in those was so heavy before he blacked out again.

When he awoke again, his head throbbing from the dart and from the blow, the room was in total darkness. Batman slowly staggered to his feet, clutching his skull and trying to see in the dark. "Joker?" he called. "Is anyone here?"

"Now?" whispered a voice.

"No, not now!" hissed another voice. "We have to have the countdown!"

"So do it!" snapped another voice.

"All right – 3…2…1…surprise!" shouted Joker's voice, and Batman was suddenly blinded as several extremely powerful lights flared on, and several explosions went off. He blinked, and as his eyes adjusted to the room around him, he saw that the explosions had come from party poppers which had sent streamers all over the room. The room itself had been decorated for what looked like some sort of tacky party. Hundreds of balloons floated around the room, among giant, inflatable clowns. Banners hung from the walls and ceilings reading _Welcome to the Right Side! Happy Friendship Day, Batman! Congratulations on Your Epiphany!_

Batman stared from the decorations to the giant, three-tiered cake in the shape of a building, which had tiny figures of Joker and Batman on top, smiling and surrounded by candles and tiny dead civilians. Standing around the room were Ivy, Two-Face, Crane, Tetch, and Joker, standing next to the cake, brandishing a knife and wearing a party hat.

"You should see the look on your face!" Joker giggled. "I knew it would be worth it! And you all said this surprise party was a stupid idea! Now I know you're shocked, Batsy, but we've gotta do the honors and cut the cake!"

"Joker…what is…going on?" stammered Batman.

"Well, this is your party!" exclaimed Joker, gesturing around. "I always knew one day you'd realize you weren't so different from the rest of us, and come over to our side! So I made some boxes full of party supplies for that day and, so I wouldn't use them for one of my many other parties, gave them to the other freaks to look after for me, under duress, of course. The code for me to collect them was, 'You know, it's a good day to stop flossing' because that was something I'd never say in casual conversation, given the importance of good teeth to my look. Most of these idiots thought I'd never get to use it, but I proved them wrong!"

"The gift boxes that we collected…had party supplies in them?" asked Batman, slowly.

"Yep – gave the party poppers to the nerds, who objected to the explosives, of course," said Joker. "I think Harvey had the balloons and clowns, and Selina had the dishes and the cake stand, but the cake and the catering had to be done fresh, of course. Fortunately I know a guy who knows a guy who owns a catering company, and in return for not baking him alive in his own oven, he got this thrown together for me in a hurry. Oh, and someone also had the champagne, of course."

"That was us – between the party poppers stuffed with gunpowder and the champagne, it was an accident waiting to happen," spoke up Tetch. "I really wasn't comfortable with such a potential explosive around my animals, and myself, of course."

"You were talking about…blowing stuff up…just now," said Batman.

"Oh, you were awake for that, huh?" chuckled Joker. "I meant they had to blow up the balloons – there are a lot of them, as you can see, and Harley was meant to help, but…y'know."

"So…your big plan for today…was just to throw a surprise party for me?" asked Batman, slowly.

"That's right!" exclaimed Joker, beaming. "Lex and I were supposed to be planning this animal sanctuary joke today, but when you showed up saying you had finally seen the light, I decided your party was the number one priority! And frankly, Lex probably isn't gonna wanna work with me after this, so I guess that scheme is canceled anyway. Hey, you can tell Selina that was all your doing, and maybe she'll forgive you for the whole Wonder Woman debacle!" he added, beaming. "Now let's cut this cake, huh, buddy?" he asked, holding out the knife to him.

Batman stared at him, slowly processing the situation. He had spent today undercover, pretending to be friends with the Joker, all in the hopes of him leading him to Luthor and this big scheme of theirs, which turned out to have been canceled in favor of Joker throwing a party for Batman. Which meant this whole day, and the agony of pretending to be Joker's friend, had all been a colossal waste of time and effort. Batman could feel himself growing furious, his hands tightened into fists, preparing to smash themselves into Joker's face…

But then suddenly the floor gave way, and Batman found both him and Joker falling into a pit. The cake splattered alongside them as they hit the metal at the bottom.

"Hey, what gives?" asked Joker. "Guys, this pit wasn't part of the party plan!" he called up at the other Rogues.

"No, it wasn't," growled a familiar voice, as Lex Luthor appeared at the edge of the pit, glaring down at them. "But it is payback for shooting me with a dart gun. If you think I would hide myself away in a secure location with you and without some kind of backup, then you don't know me at all, Joker. This whole underground bunker has a series of traps which I can use against any enemies, which at the moment includes both of you."

"What about us?" asked Crane. "We actually didn't want to be part of this party insanity in the first place, but Joker threatened us."

"The coin told me to," agreed Two-Face.

"I was just here to watch something go horribly wrong for Joker, and it did," said Ivy. "I can't believe I'm saying this, but thanks, Lex."

"You can all go – my quarrel is with Batman and Joker," said Luthor.

Joker laughed. "Yeah, right, they're not gonna leave me here, are you, guys?" he asked, looking up at the Rogues.

They all shared a look, and then headed for the door without another word. "Guys?" repeated Joker. "Guys! You bunch of ungrateful losers! See if I invite you to anymore parties in the future! Well, at least we still have each other, eh, Bats?" he asked, smiling at Batman.

"Batman, don't you think it's time to tell him the truth?" asked Luthor, with a smile.

"Yes," growled Batman, glaring at Joker. "After the day I've had, I would like nothing better than to wipe that annoying smile off your stupid face, Joker! Having to spend all day in your company without punching you repeatedly has been the hardest thing I have ever done! And then it turns out it's all for this stupid party?! What kinda dumb scheme was that?! I wasted my time hanging out with you in the hopes that you'd lead me to Luthor, so that I could save lives, but in a final act of indignation, you've canceled that plan for a stupid party! You are the most irritating, rambling, ridiculous man it has ever been my misfortune to spend time with! You're a horrible, selfish, evil brute who treats everyone around him like crap, particularly your girlfriend, who you don't deserve in the slightest! You talk about killing people and causing destruction with that stupid smile on your face, as if hurting people is some kinda joke, as if death and pain and misery is some kinda joke! But it wouldn't be if it was your turn, would it?! You act all superior to everyone, but the truth is, you're just as vain, self-centered, and pathetic as the most common criminal! Just because you put a smile on a monster doesn't make him any less of a monster, and you are the lowest of the low, the worst specimen of humanity I have ever met! And you think we're somehow kindred spirits, somehow friends?! I could never, ever, in a hundred million years, ever join you, and I would never, ever, ever be your buddy! The fact that you were so easily taken in by the act, the fact that you actually believed it, proves how much of an idiot you actually are! You think I would just sacrifice everything I am, everything I believe in, for you?! What the hell is wrong with you?!"

Joker's smile had gradually fallen as Batman spoke, and when he stopped, there was silence. "Wow," murmured Joker at last. "You know, you've beat me up a lotta times, Bats…but you've never really hurt me until now."

"That's what I like to see – Joker without his smile," said Luthor. "And it's going to be the last I ever see of him, or you, Batman," he added, pressing a button suddenly. "I'm giving Joker his final wish, and letting you both die together," he continued, as a metal slab descended from the ceiling to cover the pit. "Suffocation is a pretty horrible way to go, so I hear, but at least you'll have each other, right?"

Batman reached for his utility belt, only to realize that it wasn't there. He looked at Joker, who shrugged. "I didn't want you to worry about your waistline with the cake, so I took it off."

Batman felt his hands balling into fists again. "Luthor, the Justice League sent me, and they'll know that I'm missing!" he shouted.

"True, but they'll never find this place," said Luthor, nodding. "Lead lined, so Superman can't see it. I guess Flash could race around the world looking for you, but by the time he finds this place, I think even he will be too late. Enjoy the cake," he added with a smile, as the metal lid sealed firmly into place.


	10. Chapter 10

In the darkness, Batman heard a click, and Joker held up a cigarette lighter. "This was meant to light the candles on the cake," he muttered.

"Put it out – it wastes oxygen!" growled Batman.

"Who cares?" muttered Joker, sitting down in a corner in a huff. "We ain't getting rescued by your little pals or mine. And frankly, now that I realized you lied to me, I don't care if we live or die."

"Oh yeah, I'm the bad guy!" shouted Batman. "So far today I've had to appear in public with you acting all buddy buddy, lost my girlfriend, and now I'm going to die, all because of you!"

"It was Harley who told her about Wonder Woman," snapped Joker.

"Who was only there because you didn't believe her when she told you about me, and dumped her!" shouted Batman. "I guess the upside to this is that with you dead, Harley can finally move on and find someone better for her! Someone who'll treat her with respect!"

Joker suddenly brightened. "Wait, Harley!" he exclaimed. "She knows where this place is! She'll rescue us!"

"After the way you spoke to her?" demanded Batman. "Are you insane? First of all, she's probably miles away, second of all, she probably doesn't even know we're in danger, and third of all, I'm sure at this point she's hoping for your long and lingering death!"

Joker shook his head. "You don't know Harley. She could never stay mad at me. She'll come, you'll see."

Batman snorted. "You really are crazy," he muttered, sitting down opposite him.

Joker looked at him. "Twenty bucks," he said at last.

"What?" asked Batman.

"Twenty bucks," repeated Joker, reaching into his wallet. "I'll bet you. If Harley saves us, you owe me twenty bucks."

"And if she doesn't?" asked Batman.

Joker grinned. "I don't think either of us will be around to collect our winnings," he murmured.

Batman nodded slowly. "I don't have twenty bucks on me," he muttered. "I'll owe you, I guess, if we get out of here alive. But that's a big if. She's not coming."

"I know her," retorted Joker.

"Just like you know me?" demanded Batman.

Joker was silent. "If nothing else, today proves that you truly are insane," continued Batman. "Not that I needed anymore proof of that. You actually believed I would come over to your side, against all sense or reason, and against what everyone told you. I guess you just wanted to believe it so strongly because you desperately wanted it to be true. Just like you desperately want the thought of Harley rescuing us to be true. You see me as being your kindred spirit who just hasn't realized it yet, and you see Harley as being a loyal, loving, and true constant in your life, despite how horribly you treat her. And you were wrong about one of those delusions. Why wouldn't you be wrong about the other?"

Joker didn't respond, looking firmly at the wall. "I know her," he repeated. "She'll come."

Batman snorted. "You're a ridiculous man," he muttered. "You laugh at the whole world because you're afraid of it laughing at you. Well, guess what, Joker? Everyone we saw today was laughing at you. The other Rogues, that kid at the restaurant, everyone. They knew you were being a fool, and you're being a fool now. I almost feeling like laughing at how easily you were taken in by the friendship act. Haven't you always wanted me to laugh at you?"

"You don't know me at all either, I guess," replied Joker. "I never wanted you to laugh at me. I wanted you to laugh _with_ me. But I guess that's never gonna happen."

"No, I don't think either of us feel like laughing right now," retorted Batman. "But maybe just before the end, when you realize Harley isn't going to rescue us, I might. Watching you realize that at the end, your whole worldview, and everything you believed in, was a lie. You know nothing, Joker."

"And what do you know, Bats?" demanded Joker.

"I know that we're both going to die," retorted Batman. "The sooner you accept that, the better."

Joker shook his head, leaning back against the wall. "Always the pessimist," he murmured. "I guess that'll never change."

"I should beat you to a bloody pulp for today, but that would waste oxygen too," muttered Batman.

"Well, if we're gonna die anyway, who cares?" asked Joker. "I wouldn't say no to one last punch-up. I guess the bright side of you lying to me is that our relationship is gonna go back to normal – I did kinda miss beating each other. I don't think it would have been the same fighting anyone else."

"I just hope Vicki Vale doesn't print a story about us being allies," said Batman. "I would hate for that to be my obituary."

"Yeah, obituary!" said Joker, brightening again. "That's a fun thing to think about! Just imagine all the great stuff that'll be in mine – responsible for the death of thousands, the misery of millions, the pain and suffering of innocent citizens, all those beautiful, lovely death grins, with a picture of mine at the top, of course…"

"And then nothing," finished Batman. "That'll be the final word on both of us. Ten years from now, or twenty, we might just be a vague memory, but then we'll be forgotten. Gotham will continue on without us."

"Well, what would be the point of that?" asked Joker. "What's Gotham without us?"

"Maybe better off," retorted Batman. "The Justice League will probably send someone to watch over Gotham. The other Rogues won't want to fight super-powered antagonists and will probably give up. The police will handle regular crime. Harley will move on, and find someone else, maybe the Riddler…"

"You watch what you say about her," growled Joker.

"She'll probably have a big, happy family, and you won't even be a distant memory," continued Batman. "If she ever does think about you, it'll be at how stupid and naïve she was to ever have gotten involved with you, to have mistaken abuse for affection. She'll remember how you said you never loved her, and think how much better off she is now, with someone who truly does love her with all his heart. She'll thank her lucky stars for her escape from a horrible, heartless, unfeeling monster…"

"Shut up!" roared Joker, leaping at him and punching him in the face. Batman returned the blow, and soon the two were in a full-scale fight, or as much as they could fight in the limited space in the pit. Batman tried to make himself feel better with each punch and kick, imagining Joker's pain as he heard his bones crack, but since they were both about to die anyway, it all seemed a little pointless. Batman got Joker in a headlock when he felt his lungs begin to ache. They were both breathing heavier as the oxygen burned up, and the lighter began to grow dim.

"Gotta say…I always imagined it would end with us kicking the crap outta each other," gasped Joker. "With one of us…killing the other…"

Batman released him suddenly. "I'm not…killing you," he gasped. "I'm dying with my principles…in tact."

"Yep, much more decent…to let people suffocate slowly rather than snapping their neck quickly," gasped Joker. "You're a real hero, Bats."

Batman said nothing, feeling his lungs burning as they went to go huddle in separate corners. He shut his eyes, and then opened them again to complete darkness. "Lighter's died," Joker muttered.

"We'll probably follow it soon," said Batman.

"Do you think…your life's gonna flash before your eyes?" asked Joker.

"God, I hope not," muttered Batman. "It's not a very happy story."

"No," agreed Joker. They said nothing, hearing each other draw ragged breaths. "What do you think the last thing you're gonna think about is gonna be?" asked Joker.

"I don't know," retorted Batman.

"They say…it's what you regret the most," said Joker. "I'm guessing…yours will be the bat costume idea!" he added with a small chuckle that turned into a choking cough.

Batman didn't respond, but he knew what it would be. He could see his parents now, talking and laughing as they left the movie theater. His life's biggest regret was that he could never save them from what was about to happen. The alley, the mugger, the gun…and then his world ending in an instant…

He suddenly saw a light appear above him, and wondered if this was the end, if his parents were going to appear to him and guide him into the light. He didn't feel anymore pain, and he was expecting to see the faces of his parents any second now…

He was stunned instead to see the face of Harley Quinn, pulling the lid off the ceiling. "Puddin'!" she gasped, sliding down into the pit on a rope and rushing over to the Joker, who had collapsed on the ground. "Puddin'!" she repeated, pummeling his chest desperately as she breathed into his mouth. "Puddin', c'mon, don't die on me! Don't die without me getting to say I told you so!"

Joker suddenly drew in a breath, coughing. His cough turned into a laugh as he gazed up at Harley. "What's so funny?" she demanded.

"Bats…owes me twenty bucks!" he gasped.

"Really? I save your life and he's still your priority?" she demanded. "That's it – I'm done," she began, heading back up the way she had come.

Joker seized her arm and pulled her into his embrace, burying his face against her neck. Batman saw him whisper something in her ear, and he saw his arms shaking as they held her tightly around the waist. Harley slowly put her own arms around his neck, shushing him gently as she began to cry. And then he kissed her, deeply and tenderly. Batman never found out what exactly he said to her, but Harley never forgot it.

"I'm sorry," Joker had whispered, his voice broken and shaking. "I'm so sorry. I was thinking of you at the end. When I thought I was going to die, my last thought was of you. My biggest regret was never being able to tell you how sorry I was for the things I said and the way I treated you. None of it was true, Harley. I love you."

"What did you say to her?" asked Batman, as they followed Harley up the rope and out of the pit.

"Y'know, she was right, I was less right, I'll buy her flowers, the usual stuff women wanna hear," said Joker, shrugging.

"You didn't even apologize?" asked Batman.

"Hey, I'm the Joker!" retorted Joker. "I don't apologize for anything! Anyway, you're the one who owes me an apology for pretending to be my friend today!"

"Not in a million years," retorted Batman. "I don't know how you put up with him," he said to Harley.

"Well, he owes me big now," said Harley. "He might even have to take me somewhere, like Paris! I've always wanted to see Paris!"

"Don't get greedy, you little brat!" snapped Joker.

Batman shook his head. He would never understand their relationship.


	11. Chapter 11

They had just left the bunker when Superman suddenly landed in front of them. "Batman, there you are!" he exclaimed. "We were worried when we suddenly lost track of you."

"Yeah, I nearly died," said Batman, nodding. "Luthor tried to suffocate me and Joker."

"Well, Luthor has been apprehended," said Superman. "He was on his way to another hideout when I spotted him. I took him to GCPD, but he says he'll be out by tomorrow – some journalist is going to be running a sympathetic story on him being persecuted by us or something?"

"Yeah…that might not be the only thing in the story," said Batman, slowly.

"Anyway, mission accomplished, so why don't you take the clowns back to Arkham and take the rest of the day off?" asked Superman, smiling at him.

"Thanks for your permission," said Batman, sarcastically. "Now why don't you go back to the Watchtower and leave me to deal with them?"

Superman shrugged. "Wonder Woman was particularly worried about you," he said. "I'll tell her you're all right."

He flew off, and Joker nudged Batman. "I think you got an in there, now that you're single again!" he said, beaming at him.

"I told you, it didn't work out between us," snapped Batman. "But I do owe Selina some apology jewelry. Like a whole store's worth."

"And you owe me some, puddin'!" exclaimed Harley.

"Now I can't give you jewelry when we're locked up in Arkham, can I?" asked Joker.

Batman looked from one to the other. "Maybe…as a thank you for saving my life…I won't take you back to Arkham right away," he said, slowly. "Besides, I do owe you twenty bucks…if I have to go into the bank and leave you outside, because obviously you're too dangerous to take into a bank, who's to say you two won't wander off?"

"Are you letting us go?" asked Joker. "That's not a very heroic thing to do, Bats."

"Maybe not," agreed Batman. "Maybe you've rubbed off on me a little. And maybe I do feel a little guilty about deceiving you today, since unlike some people here, I have a conscience. But mostly it's to thank Harley."

"Multiple choice reasons – buddy, you _are_ starting to sound like me!" chuckled Joker, patting him on the back.

"Trust me, I won't make a habit out of it," retorted Batman. "Now get going, you two. And if you even think about causing trouble for innocent people, I will be right there in an instant. So behave yourselves."

"Aw, but Harley likes it when I misbehave!" chuckled Joker, slapping her bottom. Batman rolled his eyes and turned away, vowing never, ever to try and solve conflicts with diplomatic and peaceful solutions again. Violence still remained the best, and least annoying, answer.

…

"It was actually Jervis who texted me about you being in danger," said Harley, as she drove the Jokermobile back to the hideout. "So you might be a bit nicer to him in the future, Mr. J. He said something about you and Batman being trapped in a pit, so I knew I had to hurry over there. I managed to break down both the door and the ceiling of the pit – they're no match for a desperate woman with a giant hammer. But as worried as I was about you, I was kinda hoping I'd be too late to save Bats. It would have been good if he had died after he lied to you today, doncha think?"

Joker grunted, gazing out the window. The moment they had left Batman, Joker's smile had fallen, and he had remained sullen and unresponsive ever since.

"I guess after what he put you through, you don't ever wanna deal with him again, huh?" pressed Harley.

Joker grunted again. "Yep, after the way he treated you, you should write him off as a lost cause and never wanna see him again," continued Harley. "We should get as far away from him as possible and leave Gotham, maybe permanently. Start a little family in the suburbs, in a cottage with a white picket fence. Of course we'd still go into the city occasionally to cause trouble and commit crimes – wouldn't wanna get bored, but maybe we can pick a different city besides Gotham. I grew up in New York, and it was the same kinda hellhole as Gotham, except no superheroes or supervillains, at least not in this universe. We could start a trend there, but we'd be the original and best. What do you say?"

Joker grunted again, and Harley sighed. "This is just me wishful thinking again, isn't it?" she asked.

"Yep," agreed Joker.

"But why, puddin'?" she asked. "Why would you ever wanna have anything to do with anyone who could treat you like that ever again?"

"You of all people ask me that?" he asked, turning to her with a small smile. "You think everyone and his mother doesn't wonder that about you and me?"

"Yeah, well, I'm in love with you, puddin'," said Harley. "So that's different."

"Not really," said Joker. "I mean, I don't love Bats in that way, obviously, but he's someone I…need in my life."

"Do you, though?" asked Harley.

"Yes," said Joker, nodding. "I'm compelled to be locked in an endless struggle with him because free will is just an illusion, because this world isn't real and we're all just characters caught in the clutches of various writers who won't let us quit, and condemn me and Bats to our perpetual conflict in order to sell stories."

"…what?" asked Harley.

"But it's not just that," continued Joker. "He's someone I'm used to, someone I'm comfortable with, someone who completes me. I know he feels the same, despite what he claims. We need each other. Just like I need you."

"Yeah, you do," agreed Harley, nodding. "Somebody has to look out for you to protect you from lying, manipulative do-gooders."

"And I'm glad that someone is you, Harley Quinn," he said, pinching her cheek affectionately. "I was just…hoping the writers would give me a break for once, change the plot, and see what it would be like if Bats did join me. That at least would be original. But I guess people hate change, and originality is dead anyway."

"Puddin', you're kinda scaring me," said Harley, slowly. "What writers? What are you talking about?"

"Nothing, pooh," he sighed. "Anyway, I guess I don't want the plot to change too much. I love my existence, Harley – I'm very happy with my life, even if it is all meaningless. And I wouldn't want things with you to change, for instance. Can you imagine if some writer suddenly decided you were gonna dump me for good?"

"No writer can make me do that, puddin', because I do have free will," said Harley, kissing his cheek. "No matter what happens, I'll always be your Harley Quinn."

"Good," he said, smiling at her. "But there's just been so much change over the years, so many reboots and rebirths…just once why couldn't it be true? Bats and me being buddies…who would that have hurt?"

"Besides a lotta innocent people?" asked Harley. "Me, for one. You were sidelining me today even before you dumped me. And all this fawning over Bats clearly made him kinda uncomfortable – you should hear Selina talk about how he ain't an affectionate guy at the best of times. It would always have been awkward for him to be friendly to you because he doesn't have any friends, and doesn't know how to treat them. He likes it when you two are beating the crap outta each other – violence and pain he's used to, and he knows how to deal with that kinda relationship anyway. It's hard for him to maintain good, healthy relationships with friends and lovers, but he eagerly anticipates your antagonistic and violent relationship every night. On a subconscious level, he probably vastly prefers that to a healthy relationship with friends and family, or he wouldn't seek it out the way he does. So in that way, even though you're his enemy, you're probably also the closest and most meaningful relationship he has, but that's _because_ you're his enemy, not his friend."

"That's some good shrinking, pooh," agreed Joker, nodding. "And I would miss beating him up. It just wouldn't be the same with anyone else."

He smiled. "I guess the lesson here is sometimes what you think you want isn't what you need. Touche, Greenleaf," he said, to no one in particular, as he continued to look out the window. Harley decided to ignore him sounding even crazier than usual – this thing with Bats had clearly affected him a lot, so he couldn't be blamed for talking nonsense.


	12. Chapter 12

The next morning, Harley stirred in bed, reaching out to Joker, but he wasn't there. She opened her eyes and sat up – he wasn't in the bedroom. She pulled on her robe and headed out into the hideout. "Puddin'?" she called.

"Study!" called back Joker. Harley entered his study to see Joker hunched over some papers.

"Didn't you get any sleep, puddin'?" she asked, stroking his hair back as she noticed the dark circles under his eyes.

"Not much," he replied, jotting down some notes. "Got a lot on my mind."

Harley nodded. "I'll go make coffee," she said, heading into the kitchen. She returned with a mug and a bowl of cereal, which she placed in front of Joker. "You don't wanna see the paper this morning," she commented.

"How come?" he asked.

"Vicki Vale has written something about you and Bats being allies – I figure it would just be a painful reminder for you," said Harley.

"What did she say?" asked Joker.

Harley unfolded the newspaper. " _Frenemies: Batman and Joker Secret Allies? This reporter was stunned yesterday when, during a routine interview, she noticed Batman and the Joker in the same place, and not beating each other up. Further digging confirmed uploaded videos from the internet of the two of them in a fast food restaurant, apparently enjoying a meal together. Are the two foes finally starting to see eye-to-eye, or has their whole antagonistic relationship always been a sham? Only time will tell, but this reporter suspects an elaborate cover-up of the true nature of the Caped Crusader and the Clown Prince of Crime's relationship. Could they both be agents of a foreign government hoping to keep Gotham City trapped in an endless cycle of crime and violence? It's going to take more hard-hitting and fearless journalism to find out. Fortunately, this reporter will not rest until she gets to the bottom of it._ "

"Government conspiracies, what will they think of next?" sighed Joker.

"You should tell 'em your theory about the writers," commented Harley.

"Nah, they think I'm crazy, so they'd never believe the truth," said Joker, returning to his work. "Lex will be mad we stole his thunder though – he'll be in prison for a while now without that outpouring of public sympathy. And Bats will probably make a statement about the videos being fake or something. I don't think I need to address it."

"You working on a new plan for Bats?" Harley asked.

"Nah, need a few weeks to cool off after what he put me through," he muttered. "I still can't believe he would lie to me like that. You think you know a guy."

"So what are you working on?" she asked.

"It was gonna be a scheme to get back at Lex for trapping me, but I've got nothing," he retorted, flipping the papers over and rubbing his eyes. "It's all a big pile of nothing. My brain won't turn off, but there's no inspiration. So you just sit in front of a blank page driving yourself nuts."

"Maybe your Harley could give you some inspiration, puddin'," purred Harley, pulling herself up onto the desk.

She expected Joker to just shove her away as usual, but was surprised when he smiled. "You are always so eager, aren't you?" he chuckled, leaning forward to kiss her. "Don't ever change, Harley Quinn."

"Never, puddin'," she breathed, kissing him and pulling him down to her with his bowtie. They had knocked both the coffee and the cereal onto the floor when the doorbell suddenly rang.

"That better not be Bats interrupting the mood again," snapped Harley, glaring at the door.

"I'll get it, pooh, you stay there," said Joker, climbing off the table. He opened the front door to reveal Francois, the only tailor for supervillains in Gotham, holding up a suit on a hanger.

" _Bonjour_ , _Monsieur_ Joker!" he said. "Your suit is ready!"

"Suit?" repeated Joker. "But I didn't order any suit…"

" _Oui_ , _Monsieur,_ you did, yesterday," said Francois, holding up a piece of paper. "It was clearly not for you, as these are not your measurements. It is a suit for someone, how do you say, burlier than you? One purple suit, orange waistcoat, and green bat-shaped bowtie…"

"Oh yeah, that was meant to be a present for…never mind," said Joker, taking the suit from him. "It was for…a friend of mine, but he won't be needing it anymore, and I'm not in the mood to give him a present anyway. It turns out he was just using me to get to another guy."

"Ah, I have been in your shoes, _Monsieur_ Joker," said Francois, shaking his head. "Men can be such bastards. Still, he has excellent measurements, of very good physique, so I cannot blame you for being seduced…"

"Yeah, he's not that kinda friend," interrupted Joker, hastily. "Anyway, thanks for dropping it off, and I'm sorry I'm gonna have to burn it. It looks like fine craftsmanship, as usual."

" _Oui,_ _Monsieur_ , it is French," replied Francois. "Only the finest quality."

"Hey, what part of France are you from?" asked Joker.

"Paris," replied Francois. "Why?"

"Good, I could use a few tips…" said Joker, glancing inside and then shutting the door behind him.

Harley waited impatiently for Joker to return, settling herself more comfortably on the numerous papers. She knocked a few of them onto the ground by accident, and sighed, standing up to go pick them up. As she bent over them, her name caught her eye, and she suddenly pulled out two airline tickets hidden in between some papers. "The Joker and Dr. Harleen Quinzel, round trip to…Paris?" she gasped, shocked.

The front door opened and shut again. "Harley, if you need any rags to dust the hideout, I got something you can use…" began Joker, carrying the suit into the study.

He was immediately pounced on by Harley. "You're taking me to Paris!" she shrieked. "You're taking me to Paris! Paris! Oh, puddin'!" she exclaimed, throwing her arms around his neck and kissing all over his face.

"Jesus, it was supposed to be a surprise!" he snapped, trying to extricate himself from her crushing embrace. "But I guess I've learned from Batman that surprises aren't always a good idea. Yes, I'm taking you to Paris for two weeks to say thanks for saving me and winning my bet for me. And I just got some tips from Francois about the best sights and restaurants, and he even recommended a hotel. He's both French and gay, so you know it's gonna be super elegant and fabulous…"

"I'm gonna start packing right now!" shrieked Harley. "I can't wait! I'm going to the City of Love with the man I love more than anything in the world! And we can take a romantic stroll along the Seine river…"

"Or the in-Seine river, with us around!" chuckled Joker.

"And then we can eat in one of those cute little Parisian cafes along that famous street, the Shame Alley Day or whatever it's called…"

"I ain't eating snails," said Joker. "Or frog's legs."

"And we can watch the sunset from the Eiffel Tower, just the two of us," sighed Harley.

"And we can spit on the people underneath us," said Joker, nodding. "Or drop pennies if we really wanna do some damage…"

"And we can go to Disneyland!" shrieked Harley.

"We already went to Disneyland," retorted Joker.

"Not the one in Paris!" exclaimed Harley.

Joker shrugged. "It's your trip, I guess," he said. "You won't see me objecting to an amusement park anyway. I hear there's a fancy art gallery in Paris, so I'm packing my spray paint. People think the Mona Lisa's smiling now, but I think we can do better, can't we, Harley?"

"We sure can, Mr. J," she purred, taking his hand and pulling him into the bedroom. "Now come help me decide what lingerie to pack – I'll model some for you. Gotta be really sexy to compete with those French ladies, y'know."

"You shouldn't try to compete, Harley, you'll never be as sophisticated as them," he replied. "Fortunately sophisticated dames ain't my type – I much prefer cute little clown girls who laugh at whoopie cushions and people getting punched in the face. Sophisticated is for people like Bats, who goes after Catwoman and Wonder Woman and highfalutin dames like that, and you see where that's got him – alone and miserable. But I'm happy, because I got my sweet and devoted little unsophisticated Brooklyn baby."

"Only you could make being unsophisticated sound so appealing," said Harley, kissing him.

"Well, I still maintain that Bats and me have more in common than not," continued Joker, nodding. "And we would make good buddies if he could just learn to lighten up. But I'm a lot luckier than him in the romance department. And you know, I think that'll always bug him about me. I think he's jealous of what I got. Not just good looks, sense of humor, genius intellect, and incredible talent, but also a loyal and loving gal who just adores me unconditionally. I honestly think he'd give up being Batman for that. Unfortunately, no woman is gonna fall in adoring and unconditional love for a guy in a bat costume," he said, shrugging. "You can be good boyfriend material or a costumed superhero, but you can't be both."

"It's a sad fact of life," agreed Harley, nodding. "Fortunately you _can_ be good boyfriend material and a costumed supervillain, though."

"Well, only for a crazy dame," said Joker, grinning at her. "But that's really the only kind a costumed supervillain would want, so it all works out."

"It sure does, puddin'," agreed Harley, grinning back. "Now you just sit back, relax, and enjoy the show! You've heard of the Playboy Bunny – well, now you're gonna meet the Harleen Quinzel Rubber Chicken, patent pending!"

"You got…a sexy rubber chicken costume?" asked Joker, slowly.

"Yeah," retorted Harley. "Why?"

"Because why the hell haven't I seen this before?" he demanded, his eyes sparkling. "That's one of the best ideas I've ever heard in my life! Jesus Christ, Harley, how long were you gonna keep something that mind-blowingly amazing a secret from me?!"

"It's new, and I wanted to surprise you," replied Harley. "I also got a sexy burns victim costume for later."

"You little minx – you know burns are my favorite scar tissue," chuckled Joker, loosening his bowtie. "Yep, if Bats could see us now, he'd be really jealous of his buddy."

 **The End**


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